Month: August 2014

We met these family friends after a long time. The wife taught the nursery class in a school.

As we chit-chatted, I was ‘Darn, I don’t have much in common with her. What will we talk about?’ The accompanying feeling was that of superiority-which is a bit embarrassing for me now to admit. For after all, what does it take to manage a bunch of 5-year olds? Other than the patience, of course, I thought snootily.

As the conversation continued somewhat desultorily, I asked rather curiously (and patronizingly): ‘What are the challenges you face at work? What keeps you awake at night?’ ‘There was a child in my class who hadn’t settled down even after 6 months. It was almost as if she had some sort of phobia.’ The nursery school teacher (NST) said. ‘After she got used to me, she would cling to me and not leave me out of sight. This was so worrying, that I was chanting and praying for her. I hope the poor thing works through this patch.’

Her gentle eyes were full of concern. Hmm yes, being an NST requires a big heart. I grudgingly acknowledged to myself. ‘

And then I had an assistant who was more of a burden than a helper. After 30 years of doing the same job, she had become impatient with the kids. I saw her shouting at my bacchas, even raising her hand to frighten them. I was told in the staff room she is known even to pinch kids. If I gave her a job, she did it very crabbily. And as she’s such an old employee, management would not have taken kindly to eject her out of the system’.

‘Oh, and how did you deal with that?’ I leaned forward with excitement. This was a case study right out ‘People Management Skills’.

‘I had many firm conversations with her. I said to her, ‘Evelyn, I will not stand for your raising your hand on my children. Their well being is of the utmost importance to me. Our only way of dealing with them is going to be with love.’

And I also said to her, ‘Evelyn, I don’t want to see a grumpy face in the morning. I would like to see a smiling face and interact pleasantly with you. The children also need to see a cheerful face during the day.’

‘And after a while, she and I seemed to understand each other. I was told in the staff room that the other teachers had just given up on her, and have never been able to get any productive work out of her’.

I was in awe of this ‘Nursery School Teacher’. I would probably not have managed ‘Evelyn’ so evenly, smoothly, calmly, acceptingly and graciously. Many managers I know wouldn’t have had this calm emotional tonality in tackling the situation.

The mind can be exasperating in the silly games it plays- of judging, comparing, feeling better than or less than others. It leads one through deceptive alleys. And even while it chatters, there is a restlessness- and self-dislike for the impatient, smug and priggish position it takes. Which is an attempt to compensate the insecurity from which springs the question “Am I enough?” It jumps around like the proverbial monkey. One way to NOT get into this self-beating (Why can’t I just be accepting of people? Why can’t I be in the present?) is to just observe the mind’s gymnastics. Like stepping into the balcony and watching and reporting on an interesting tamasha.

Yesterday was the birthday of a person I am in awe of. She is a colleague, one can say, as she is in the same profession; but someone who I regard as being ‘ahead of’ me~ in terms of capability and perhaps in knowing herself. I met her at a retreat where she was my teacher.

So in the morning yesterday, I thought to myself, ‘Let me call and wish her’. But by mid-day the resolve flagged, perhaps I could resort to the much convenient but diluted version of sending her a greeting on Facebook. For there was slight anxiety- What shall I say? After saying hello? What will she think? I didn’t know her THAT well. And, why did I want to call her? To express my affection and regard.

Incidentally, the dictionary meaning of to be in awe of is to have mixed feelings of reverence, wonder, and fear. So yes, the fear is also there as I have seen her becoming impatient with someone who gets stuck, doesn’t see reason, or is not willing to move on.

So there was this tussle between a spontaneous expression and on the other hand fears of ‘appropriateness’ and being ‘judged’. If one looks at it with logic, it’s a no brainer -there wasn’t that much to lose in making the call. And, it was I who was judging myself.

I also thought about how I (and probably many others) put people in hierarchies. Of less than/ more than: competence; wealth; social status; organizational designations; being well read; articulate; smartness; being well informed; achievements; attractiveness; how well the kids are doing; well dressed (yieeks, how much more superficial can one get!) etc.

Instead of going through life experiences getting caught with reactivity or inadequacy, can we just be present – and observe the phenomenon of the mind making the comparisons. And how gullible we are in believing whatever the mind concludes. Because that what we are comparing with is a part of the other person which is visible to us from the outside. We don’t know what is their inside story. As Steve Furtick explains, “The reason we struggle with insecurity is that we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”

The mind likes to make sense of the world by putting things in slots and categories, and then evaluate where the self fits in it. It’s almost a default process to check standards and even raise them. Instead of trying to combat this natural (compulsive?) thinking pattern, what I discovered is -use the comparisons- but with your own past self. Am I a better person yesterday than I am today?

And the truth is that we are all on our own journey of finding the statue inside the block of stone. (Remember Michelangelo said, “Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it.”) Instead of worrying about others’ blocks of stone, lets honour our statue within with love and compassion. By just BEING who we are. Without apology or arrogance. Without guilt and shame. In the celebration of our journey of the slowly transforming statue inside.

And yes, I did call her and had a lovely exchange. And I’m totally in awe of myself!