Month: November 2019

Dynamics of a Family Wedding (and the parallels with teamwork in an organization )

Author Rashmi DattPosted on Categories Managing our emotions, Personal EffectivenessLeave a comment on Dynamics of a Family Wedding (and the parallels with teamwork in an organization )

Recently we were at an off-site family wedding, which lasted 4 days, including Sangeet, Mehendi, Reception, etc, etc. Relatives arrived from all corners of the country and beyond- and met after a long gap. It helped every-one bond- because amidst (unspoken) comparisons, evaluations, gossip and assessment of How-Well-Have-They-Done, How-Much-Drink-They-Can-Hold, etc, etc; we connected and rediscovered a deep love and respect for each other—beyond the foibles and faults which sometimes is the first to be seen.

Recently we were at an off-site family wedding, which lasted 4 days, including Sangeet, Mehendi, Reception, etc, etc. Relatives arrived from all corners of the country and beyond- and met after a long gap. It helped every-one bond- because amidst (unspoken) comparisons, evaluations, gossip and assessment of How-Well-Have-They-Done, How-Much-Drink-They-Can-Hold, etc, etc; we connected and rediscovered a deep love and respect for each other—beyond the foibles and faults which sometimes is the first to be seen.

Hopefully this is the purpose of all group gatherings, including corporate retreats.

Any group is a great place to observe the dynamics of human behaviour, and what better than a wedding. In a group, emotions and thoughts are amplified: How am I looking? (I wish I hadn’t done my packing at the last minute and had planned my wardrobe better); Who are the people clustering together ? Am I part of the inner circle?

The behaviour is a function of many variables: your role, ie how you are related to the bride/ groom depending from whose side you have been invited; your age and energy- for example if you have kids you tend to be preoccupied with them; your level of introversion/ extroversion; your need to be in the lime-light; your skill set—for example if you are a good dancer then you can show up with a certain leadership on the dance floor, etc.

I took two key variables: one’s ‘Self Worth’, and the ‘Commitment to the Task’; and created the following two-by-two matrix, to plot the various behaviours I observed- in myself and others.

The x-axis represents the level of self-worth, or self acceptance- its about how substantive I feel- regardless of what clothes I’m wearing, or how successful I am, or how others treat me, or appreciate me. It’s about do I enjoy being myself; do I have a regard for myself; do I feel easy in my skin without second guessing and judging myself?

The y-axis represents the commitment to the task- It will depend on one’s role in the temporary organizing team which has been set up – eg there will be some who are assigned the drinks section, some to receive the guests, some to take care of the food, etc. But the larger goal is : to make sure the wedding goes smoothly, interact and connect with as many people as possible ; and ofcourse to have fun.

Here are the 4 quadrants:

1.Initiator-Driver (Certain-Self-Worth and High-Task-Ownership): those in this quadrant value themselves, and are connected to the group task. They have a high capacity to jump and extend their support. Thus they influence their environment, and at the same time have the ability to enjoy themselves.

2.Detached Observer: (Certain-Self-Worth and Low-Task-Ownership): those in this quadrant have chosen to invest less of their energies. It could be for various reasons- they may have other preoccupations or are not so close to the immediate family.

3.Tentative Participant : (Uncertain-Self-Worth and Low-Task-Ownership): Their somewhat uncertain self-worth makes them quite self-involved and self-immersed—and because of this preoccupation, are almost unable to extend themselves towards the task at hand.

4. Reliable Aide or Low Maintenance Guest: (Uncertain-Self-Worth and High-Task-Ownership): They are committed to extending themselves for the sake of the lager goal ; sometimes at the cost of their own comfort and well being.

Do you see the parallels between these behaviours and those in the organizational teams?

What are the spaces you occupy?

I found myself in all the four spaces.

I was inspired by those who remained largely in No 1. But simply being aware helped me navigate the 4 spaces, because we do have an automatic tendency to judge experiences, situations, other people and ourselves…as being good, bad, valuable, worthless, like don’t like. It’s about observing and letting go.

The Dalai Lama, my Father, and I

Author Rashmi DattPosted on Categories Uncategorized3 Comments on The Dalai Lama, my Father, and I

For many years, my father had an inexplicable wish to meet the Dalai Lama.

Inexplicable because a staunch Arya Samaji, he is far removed from Buddhist philosophy. He has been too engrossed ‘to make something of his life’ to delve into a way of life or viewpoint different from his default understanding. And to me it was a crazy wish, how could we –with no connections to this world—ever dream of having a personal meeting with this spiritual leader who was venerated and feted by the world.

For many years, my father had an inexplicable wish to meet the Dalai Lama.

Inexplicable because a staunch Arya Samaji, he is far removed from Buddhist philosophy. He has been too engrossed ‘to make something of his life’ to delve into a way of life or viewpoint different from his default understanding. And to me it was a crazy wish, how could we –with no connections to this world—ever dream of having a personal meeting with this spiritual leader who was venerated and feted by the world.

In a public sector career which was unfulfilled, in part because he never did have great relationship skills – he turned his attention to making statues of aluminum and brass by the lost wax method. It brought into bearing his knowledge of foundry process (which was his work in a large steel plant) of melting metal into casts of plaster of paris.

Driven by his need to ‘becoming’ something, he devoted  great time and attention to this hobby, which became an obsession, filling reams of diaries with notations of calculations, results of experiments. As children, we competed with this project for his attention. He continued tinkering with, fine-tuning, polishing these pieces for 40 years—till his early nineties (he is 93 now) , until his health gave in.

Initially he had the idea of selling them, but started gifting them away to family, grand-children and friends. There was one piece – a brass Buddha Head— which  he had kept aside to be presented to the Dalai Lama. For many years he wrote to the office of His Holiness, asking how he could hand it over. I didn’t take much interest (I was a big skeptic of this plan), and ofcourse there was no answer.

I also started noticing how caught up I was in my own life—with the process of ‘becoming’. I was driven with my own goals, need for achievement, to reach here and reach there. Perhaps in the wish of receiving an acknowledgement from the world that I was ‘something’. I was realizing that the very things that annoyed me in my father, were exactly the same in me. He was always restless- even when we visited him, he would be busily attending to paperwork of his shares, or something. It was hard for him to ‘just be’. And I had the same difficulty in ‘being’ in my pursuit of ‘becoming’. After dinner was over at home, I would be restless to get back to my work.

I got in touch with my wish to find joy in gardening, in hanging out with friends which had no objective, to drop everything and go for a walk when the weather was nice, to linger on at dinner table conversations, instead of obsessing about more books to read, more training techniques to devour and more clients to acquire. The yearning was to find a contentment, a sense of well being which was not dependent on what I was ‘becoming’, but in just ‘being’. I had ‘swallowed’ the programming of my father, and have bought into this belief that my self worth depended on how competent and how successful I was. In the course of these insights, I decided to write to the office of His Holiness, explaining my father’s wish. I didn’t really have much hope of having a meeting, but my father seemed to be confident. When I was tidying his cupboard in one of my visits, he said, ‘put this shirt aside, I will wear it to meet the Dalai Lama’.

To my surprise, we got a reply almost immediately. The Dalai Lama was passing through Delhi, and we had an appointment!

As we (my father, my daughter and I) waited in the lobby of the hotel, along with a handful of other invitees, I was struck by the kindness and graciousness with which we were treated by the organizers. There was no hurry. A comfortable seat was found for my father. And yet there was no waiting, as everything was on time.

When His Holiness arrived, he hugged my father as if he knew his angst, and as if He had all the time in the world, listened to my father explain his favourite lost wax process and accepted the figurine from him. I watched the two of them, feeling choked and overwhelmed as my father’s dearest wish came true. I was enveloped in his Holiness’ ‘being’, which emanated love and immense kindness for all- it seemed to flow from a deep unending source – which seemed to say you don’t have to reach anywhere or prove anything, all you have to do is love and accept yourself as you are, and others the way they they are.

It was a day of healing, for my father, and me.