Author: Rashmi Datt

I find my mind oscillating.

The pandemic has turned our world upside down.

With a cocktail of emotions flying around.

Grief: at the loss of near and dear ones. the loss of normalcy; the fear of economic toll, the loss of connection. We can’t even hug each other. The helplessness and anguish to see loved ones suffering.

Anticipatory grief: coping with the uncertainty of something bad happening. We can feel it in the air, but we cannot see it, with heightened anxiety and loss of safety.

Anger: at the ineptness, lack of planning, poor decision making  and callousness at the government level and lack of discipline by us the public.

Guilt: ‘I am safe, but I don’t have the capacity and energy to reach out to help others- after managing my own family and affairs’.

Denial :  ‘nothing can happen to me’.

Numbness: ‘I’m not affected by what is happening around. I have shut off myself from media, and I don’t want to know about the suffering in the world’.

Arrogance: believe it or not, in a conversation, someone said to me: ‘The virus is a test of our emotional, mental and physical strength. We will either fail of pass in this exam.’

Ummm…exam? Sorry? This is not about scores, being ahead or behind the others. Or a competition to see how fit you are .

Shame: at the way our nation has handled the situation, and we have to resort to depending on other countries for help.

 

How can we stay centered, functional, without being overwhelmed (or consumed) by the emotion, and the racing mind? Otherwise we turn into a zombie, loosing energy, focus, sleep, and immunity.

  1. Name the emotion. When you name it, you feel it, and it moves through you. Emotions are energy in motion, and the acknowledgement allows it to move.

 

Notice your feelings about feelings: ‘I feel quite energized, but there is something wrong with me, I should be devastated’. Or ‘I feel sad, but I should not, as there are people worse off than me’.

 

Your work is to feel the sadness, anger- regardless of what others are feeling. Judging it, or fighting it doesn’t help, as your body is producing that emotion. The acceptance of ‘what is’ is freeing.

 

Also no need to fear that the emotions will ‘take charge’. There are feelings which will pass; naming the emotions allows us to both observe ‘the dance floor from the balcony’ , even as we feel the emotion fully and intensely.

 

In other words, we are strengthening the observer part of us – the audience who views the drama, rather than being the drama.

 

  1. Become present in the now. Notice your breathing. Name five things around you that are colored green. Feel the air around your skin, the chair under your body, the ground under your feet. The sinking in the stomach, the tightness in on the shoulders.

And realize that nothing you have anticipated has happened.

In this moment you are fine.

 

  1. Get clear about your values and priorities; and take committed action towards them. For me, the three things that are important are :
  2. Take care of my health-eating mindfully, sleeping on time, and some exercise every day.
  3. Take care of my family, especially those who are vulnerable and dependent on me.
  4. Find something pleasurable and relaxing to do: right now it is Madhubani painting; its repetitive line drawing is soothing.
  5. Some reading and writing everyday.

 

And finally, we will be able to access our ‘wise mind’: This is temporary, although it doesn’t feel that way right now. The precautions we are taking are the right ones. History tells us that we have been through similar situations: the 1918 flu (toll of 40-50 million), HIV/ AIDS 1981 to present (toll of 25-35 million); the Asian flu 1957-58 (toll if 1.1 million); and we survived it. The current toll of the corona virus is 3 million. This is the time to double-mask and stay watchful & alert and be compassionate to ourselves and to others.

These are strange times indeed. And yet, perhaps all we can control is how we choose to respond.

(photo credit: Artist Tatsuya Tanaka)

Yesterday , at my brother’s terrace over barbeque lunch, I conducted a short social experiment. Their son was going back to college campus after being at home for 10 months.

I asked my brother, ‘How are you feeling about Sunny going back to college?’

“I’m happy for him”, he said.

“And how do you feel for yourself?”

“He has spent 10 months with us, that was a bonus”.

My sis-in-law’s reply was more straightforward: “I’m sad that he is going. Covid also worries me, though I know the college will take all precautions”.

And the young man in question was very direct: ‘I’m happy to be gone.”

What did my social experiment reveal? That some people have difficulty in expressing directly how they feel, like my brother. In both his answers, he didn’t (couldn’t?) say how HE felt (I’m sad, I’ll miss him, or I’m relieved, etc).

Why is it important to feel?

If we don’t acknowledge emotions (whether in your relationship with a colleague, co-founder, or a dear one) they lurk under-cover and impact you insidiously. They creep up in unconscious expressions like fight, flight, freeze, fawn, flop. And leave us unable to access reason, logic, looking for alternate perspectives, which enable us to ‘stay and play’.

There is even a word for the inability to recognize or describe one’s own emotions: alexithymia. The core characteristic of alexithymia is marked dysfunction in emotional awareness, social attachment, and interpersonal relation.

Integration of thoughts and feelings is intelligence.~ J Krishnamurty.

In a study of college students, researchers found that when females disclosed feeling depressed to their roommates, they received nurturance. But in response to the same kind of disclosure, the roommates of men were isolating or hostile. Our culture, unfortunately trains men to fear vulnerability.

An excerpt from an interview of a young man who was a friend of the killers of Matthew Shepard—the man who in 1998 was bludgeoned in Wyoming just because he was gay:

“If you’re telling your feelings, you’re kind of a wuss.”

“So what do you do when things hurt?”

“That’s why God created whiskey, don’t you think?”

It is oftenest through intensity of emotion that the psychic being awakens and there is an opening of the inner doors to the divine ~Sri Aurobindo.

If we want to humanize the workplace, is it important for us to be in touch with our emotions?

Is there a gender difference in the way feelings are felt and expressed?

Are millennials more in tune with their emotions- regardless of their gender?

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Here is information about our 5-week program DEEP (Developing Emotional Intelligence for Executive Presence)  (Group 7 starts in end-March)

Shared with permission of my brother and sis-in-law, the protagonists of the social experiment.

Thank you Vijaykumar V for these two quotes which came up in our conversation last week.

(art by Marie Carduot for Dixit Odyssey base game)

(Art by Katy Pillinger)

I worked with a client a while back, who had a big conflict with his business partner.

It was agonizing for him- there were parts of him which recognized the value of the partner, and parts of him which felt enraged, belittled and bitter about her behaviour . And he also knew he couldn’t do without her. One of those love-hate-relationships.

In the coaching sessions, we worked to separate and recognize the feelings, thoughts, sensations so that he could unhook himself from the external triggers. Some of the things my client identified about himself: he didn’t draw boundaries, did not state ‘asks’ clearly, withdrew in self-doubt, was besieged with comparisons making himself alternately big and small, and emerged as angry ‘Doberman dog’ ready to bite when he felt not heard.

Empathy is described as the ability to share another person’s feelings and emotions as if they were your own even when the other is not communicating them in an objectively explicit manner.

As a coach, with my self-awareness I knew a part of  me suffered in the same way, and I identified with his pain. At some level, the client is the same as me.

The danger with empathy however that I have learnt over time, is that too much identification leads to a pressure help the other. And this pressure caused me to feel at times inadequate because in spite of coaching, my client going to the same places again and again. And at times annoyance at his inability to look within at times, instead putting the blame on external events and people. (and I berated myself for not being a good enough coach afterwards).

Needless to say, all of this gets in the way of coaching and truly being there for the person.

Buddha says we have a wise self.

The role of a coach can be to remind the client to get reconnected with that center and essence; their inner buddha, their resourcefulness and wholeness, their Wise-Self, intuition, gut …whatever you want to call it…because they have all the answers. The coach doesn’t have the answers.

Zerka Moreno, the co-founder of Psychodrama said: “It is clear that I do not heal any psyches.  Protagonists themselves do the healing.  My task is to find and touch that autonomous healing center within, to assist and direct the protagonist to do the same.  I am merely a guide in the wilderness, clearing away obstacles so protagonists can find their very own path.”

Through Psychodrama, I learnt the important difference between the important difference between Empathy and Compassion.

                                                        (Art by Gabriella Barouch)

Compassion  leads to doing whatever possible to foster the release of the other’s Wise-Self rather than become the other’s healer. With compassion, you can be open-heartedly present with others without feeling the urge to change them or distance from them.

And when I drop my wish to ‘do something’, that’s where Self-presence will often release the client’s own Self.

This is the heart of the philosophy of Psychodrama – an action method developed by Jacob Levy Moreno (1889-1974) and his wife Zerka Moreno*.  It uses role playing and dramatisation techniques to explore the energy enclosed within emotions, dreams and conflicts in order to release the creative and spontaneous self.  “Spontaneity is defined as a new response to an old situation or an adequate response to a new situation“ (Jacob Levy Moreno)

Psychodrama is used both as individual and as group therapy and can effectively improve communication and work performance within organisations.

Psychodrama also trains us to turn the lens within, so that we notice when the clients needs and identities are getting entangled with the needs of the coach- and the process of staying clear of that. In short, it is about being compassionately present without having the need to ‘do’ or ‘heal’ or ‘empathise’.

If you want to understand how Psychodrama can turbocharge your coaching practice, see details of a  year-long diploma on ‘Psychodrama Coaching Practitioner’ from Vedadrama; and contact us for a two-day workshop on ‘Coaching through Psychodrama’ in January 14-15 2021.

Art: Mike Medaglia

Rohan aspired to promotion at Senior Director level.

His commitment to excellence, growth and clarity about contribution to the company’s bottom line was evident. In the last couple of years, he had work long and hard, and developed a unique analytical product to build the block chain system in the company.

And yet, when there was an opportunity for promotion to Senior Director, he was not selected. He feels disappointed, betrayed and bitter.

His manager had told him: ‘Rohan, this is a no-brainer. You are the right guy for this, and you’ll make it’. Then there was an organizational change, and the manager relocated.

He went over that ugly but polite conversation several times in his head.

Over an 8am zoom call, his new manager emotionlessly told him: ‘We have decided to hire an external person for the position of Senior Director’.

Rohan: I’m surprised to hear this. When is the person joining?

New Boss: In a month’s time. Your role in onboarding her will be invaluable.

Rohan: Yes, of course I will support her.

New Boss: Of course we are committed to your growth, and there will be opportunities.

Rohan: Yes, thank you.

Rohan feels a heaviness in his head, a ringing in his ears, his breathing becomes shallow, and for some time his spirit isn’t able to move. He feels a mixture of disbelief, despair, helplessness.

Rohan is already making plans to quit in the next 12 months, and in the meanwhile starting a side-hustle. He has disapproved of Presenteeism: Physical presence and psychological absence combined; and now its happening to him.

This trigger of unexpected disappointment has sent Rohan to a ‘Freeze’ and  ‘Flight’ mode.

What is needed is for him to ‘Stay and Play’.

Ask for a meeting afterwards with the key stakeholder.

‘Why was I not considered for the promotion? I consider my self worthy of the opportunity because..

x…

y…

z…

(going prepared with a list of tangible achievements/ qualities)

 While I am both disappointed and angry, I am prepared to consider a different point of view. 

You may had had your reasons.

I am curious to discover what they could be; and this feedback could be useful to my growth. Perhaps I have some blind spots I will discover.’

But this action requires Self-Awareness and the ability to notice- What are my feelings?  What are my response patterns of ‘flight’ or ‘fight’ in this situation?

One emotion that Rohan dare not admit to himself is anger. Anger has unfortunately acquired a bad rep, and we end up drowning in despair, but we are numb to our own anger. Fully feeling anger will give rise to aggression; and get him out of ‘victim’ (‘poor-me’ position).

Charles Darwin would have agreed. Even animals need emotions. Fear causes them to avoid predators; Anger triggers aggression that helps them protect their young, their mates, their food, and anything else necessary for the species survival. From Anger there is the possibility of the birth of Courage.

In not acknowledging his emotions fully— especially of anger, Rohan lost the opportunity to express his own point of view. He squandered his autonomy. Of taking action to impact the outcome.

The boss is left thinking: The situation is well handled. He has accepted it fine, and he’s ok to report to the new person we are bringing in.’

“The way to overcome something is not to avoid it but to move into it.”– Arnie Kozak

(I  meet many Rohans in my work as a Leadership and Executive Presence Coach. They eventually learn to seize Life and their Autonomy, and find  freedom and power.

Our group coaching program starts on Nov 21,2020 Developing EI for Executive Presence)

The poet sage Valmiki has just completed his epic, Ramayana.

Narad, divine messenger and communicator visits him: ‘Do you know that Hanuman has also written a Ramayan?’

Valmiki is anxious- a competitor? He makes haste to the forest –Hanuman’s Ramayana is scripted on thousands of large banana leaves.

When Valmiki reads Hanuman’s text, he is touched, moved and inspired to tears. Every sentence  is soaked with ‘rasa’ and ‘bhaav’ of love. He is also envious— will the world read his epic ? This seems far superior to his own.

Then Hanuman reads Valmiki’s masterpiece. It is full of scholarship and an objective description of Rama, his actions and his epoch, yet written in exquisite poetry .

Lord Rama appears and, “Both the writings are excellent and incomparable. Hanuman’s is a song drenched in emotions.  Valmiki’s is a work of a poet, academic and historian. Both Bhakti yog and Gyan yog are equally important paths of enlightenment.”

Today’s work place also needs us to pay attention to both— cold facts, data, logic and rationale AND the warmth of emotions.

Sensing, recognizing, acknowledging and responding to emotions humanizes the workplace. It is the juice which connects people. Relying on only statistics, knowledge and reasoning in interactions makes us transactional and exhausted.

Emotions play a big role in our lives.  There are more than 600 words in English to describe them; and 43 facial muscles to express them physically. Although human beings speak more than 6,000 languages, about 90 percent of people across different cultures have no trouble figuring out if someone is registering happiness, surprise, or disgust just by looking at the person’s face.

We are supersensitive to the slightest shift in people’s facial expressions, especially if they are registering fear or anger.

And yet, business folk are ambivalent about emotion in the workplace. At best, it is awkward and better be over quickly. At worse, it is a pollutant clouding the cold, data-driven reasoning that business supposedly runs on.

The focus remains on logic, cold data-driven reasoning: Giving instructions, Asking why/ problem solving, Measuring gaps and outcomes.

Salovey and Meyer defined Emotional Intelligence as: ‘The ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.’

Do you stop to ask: How am I feeling? What emotions can I read from the other’s micro expressions? What is the predominant emotion in the room?  How can I use this information to guide my thinking and actions?

(Today is full-moon and the birth anniversary of Maharishi Valmiki.)

Art by MPM Nataraja

To learn about our upcoming 5-week workshop on Developing Emotional Intelligence for Executive Presence, click on the link.

(Photo credit: Sophie Laurent, Unsplash)

Things are stormy between me and my Father.

He is 93 years old and insists on living by himself. He is becoming more stubborn and difficult by the day.

In my weekly visits, I sometimes try to resolve an issue, such as by finding a new part-time housekeeper, because he finds fault with them, and they leave. Sometimes angry words are exchanged between him and me. He doesn’t like me telling him what’s best for him, and I’m exasperated because if he were to listen to reason (me), life would be much simpler.

When I sit in the car during the half-hour drive back home, I feel sad, helpless, even furious that he doesn’t let me help him. And ashamed that I’m not more patient with him. And somewhere buried under all this is a deep love for him.

I also know that the intensity of my emotional reaction is not ‘rational’. If an onlooker (like my husband) were to deal with the situation, he would not be so triggered. I get hooked because there is a history of (in my eyes) excessive control he exercised on me as a child and teenager.

Our driver Maru Ram, who has been with us for the last 21 years is a silent witness to the tears which roll down my cheeks. And to the shouting match in the house earlier. He offers no comment. He quietly absorbs the flailing energy. I know that he never discusses or gossips about family matters. In fact, Maru is a deeply spiritual person with weekly fasts in prayer to his family god, Hanuman.

His non-judgmental presence makes me feel anchored. It helps me find my own inner witness or ‘see-er’.

The above is an example of the nature of emotions, and their impact on our lives. They are strong energies, and they can hijack our rational thinking. And if unbridled, they have the potential to throw our actions off-course.
There are several misleading notions about emotions that exist today. As a coach, I hear people say, ‘I am too emotional. I want to control my emotions’, and on the other extreme I see people who are not in touch with their emotions. They talk, explain, rationalize, blame, describe at great length, but they avoid feeling, because it entails pain.

These notions come from commonly held judgements, which tell us that Anger, Fear, Shame, Sadness are ‘negative’ feelings, while Joy, Love, and Courage are ‘positive’ feelings. The belief says that negative emotions are inherently bad or maladaptive for our psychological well-being, and positive emotions are inherently good or adaptive. This is so decreed based on whether an emotion obstructs or enables a person’s ability to pursue goals, attain resources, and function effectively within society. Negative feelings should be controlled, we are told: overcome, avoided, transformed or healed; and positive emotions maximized.

Emotions as understood from the Natya Shastra and Yoga Sutras

However, as explained by our ancient Indian texts, emotions are not good or bad. They are just bundles of energy which move through the body. This is generally felt as sensations of contraction such as tension, or expansion such as calm. The Latin derivative for the word emotion, emotere, literally means energy in motion.

A healthy person experiences all emotions FULLY, but is able to meet the next situation without any residue.

According to Natya Shastra, said to be written by Bharatmuni a few thousand years back, there are nine Rasas (juice or essence). The Navrasas are Anger (Raudram), Fear (Bhayanakam), Sadness or Compassion (Karuna), Disgust (Bhibhatsam), Joy (Hasyam), Courage (Veeryam), Curiosity (Adbhutam), Love (Shringar), and Calm (Shantam). Love has been called as the Rasa-Raja, or the King of Emotions. The 9th rasa — Shantam or calm — is the absence of emotions from which you can witness yourself, as an observer.

The hundreds of emotions that we experience are combinations of these primary rasas. For example, jealousy is a combination of fear and anger. Depression is a combination of sadness, fear, anger, and disgust, and so on.
Emotional Intelligence (EQ or EI) is a term created by two researchers – Peter Salavoy and John Mayer – and popularized by Dan Goleman in his 1996 book of the same name.

EQ can be defined as the ability to recognize your emotions and that of others, and make healthy choices of action and behaviour.

For self-awareness, one useful question to ask the self several times during the day is: How am I feeling right now? The navrasas is an easy framework to refer to in this self reflection. There is an actual term for those who have difficulty in indentifying and naming their feelings- alexithymia.

How to deal with emotions

When emotions arise, we usually either anaesthetise ourselves (by drinking, eating, shopping, binge-watching Netflix, etc), or are swept away in its force by wallowing in it (shouting, losing one’s temper, crying without restraint), or pickle ourselves in it by dwelling in related thoughts which go round and round the head.
Why do we do this? As young children, when natural impulses were expressed, we experienced reprimands, rejection, ridicule, and repression from well intentioned or ignorant caregivers and adults around us. The impressions were absorbed into our sensitive and not yet matured nervous systems which did not have the capacity to regulate the intensity of the hurt and anger. Out of the need to escape from the disorienting states of vulnerability and pain, we developed strategies of freeze, fight, fawn or fight.

What if we could instead engage with the emotion by ‘doing nothing’, but just watching and following with curiosity the sensations arising? By simply being aware of sensations such as heated skin, shortness of breath, tight jaw and face muscles, the gripping intestines. And what if into this non-evaluative curiosity, we brought in a loving embrace, a warm holding, a relentless self-care?

This form of ‘doing nothing’ and simply observing and allowing these feelings to flow is key to self care. It means we are not fixing or changing, or allowing their presence to decide our self worth, or dwelling on the story of ‘why’ or finding someone to blame. It means a commitment to acknowledge the inner parts of us which erupt because they have been shamed, banished and discarded in the past.

As J. Krishnamurthy said, ‘The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence’. This observation is kind and neutral, unlike the judgement that usually accompanies our emotions. When we feel angry or jealous or fearful, there is shame accompanying the emotions, as a voice inside says, ‘you are a bad person for feeling so, it’s pathetic that you can’t control yourself’.

Photo credit: Dank Memes

When we enter the world of emotions, its not easy at first, as staying with unpleasant emotions can be painful.

However, when we simply allow ourselves to feel the emotions in a presence of love and empathy, we encode a new circuitry of slowly finding back our inner emotional regulator – and the painful intensity starts diminishing as we start to self modulate our reactions to the external world. Then we find ourselves on our way back to our ‘home’- to the majestic vastness of who we are in essence- at ease, loving and flowing.

Emotions will always come, whether it is when I visit my father and have a disagreement with him, or you clash with a colleague who is throwing an axe in your wheel, or a boss who doesn’t listen because he thinks he knows better. But if we connect with our inner ‘observer’ who witnesses without judgement, the emotion or the energy in motion will move on. And then you access your inner ‘driver’ you will have the resources and the drive to meet the next situation or act upon your goals to reach the next step.

(This article, written by the author,  originally appeared in ‘Kaustubham’, Human Resource Management and Labour Relations Journal of TISS, 2019)

Dear Suryakant,

You have asked me (and I quote your email): ‘What should I do with my competitive behaviour. In a team- I want to be the best. The feeling is similar to being 1st in the class. In fact throughout my high school and Engineering, I was either 1st or 2nd in class.

However in real life, this behaviour sometimes makes me less productive and prevents collaboration with others. I would appreciate it if you could give me some suggestions – either via an online session or email if possible.

Well. Here goes.

First, congratulations in seeing so clearly a part of yourself which many people dare not touch. Most of us run away from looking into the mirror when we find something unpleasant or undesirable. Its also called: our psychological or personal “Shadow”, which comprises of those qualities, impulses, and emotions that we cannot bear for others to see and thus cast into the hidden domain of ourselves. It takes courage to call out a quality in the self, which is normally looked down upon by society.

The Psychodrama session which we did in our last meeting— while it was about your difficulty in ‘speaking up’ a point of view which you believe was in the best interests of the organization, especially in the presence of ‘authority figures’  ; it unearthed another topic— of your competitive self which gets triggered, which was until now buried in the unconscious. This is also the power of Psychodrama.

In this role-play, where you were the protagonist, we called on ‘stage’ group members to play these two roles: the boss and the boss’ boss. As we explored the tension between you and your boss (ofcourse there are organization politics all the time), and your diffidence in sharing your view point, we understood that to get out of ‘Freeze Mode’ requires giving up the need to be right, and allowing yourself to make mistakes and risks.

And as the enactment explored not only external behavior, but also ‘inner’ aspects, such as unspoken thoughts and feelings, fantasies of what others might be feeling and thinking, you discovered an unspoken competition between you and your boss (who is almost your age) which was coming in the way of building a healthy relationship, which in turn was impacting the way the project was moving forward.

As you know, in Psychodrama, we  don’t ‘advise’, but offer a ‘sharing’.

The fact is that competitiveness is one of my ‘demons’ too. Demons don’t entirely go away, even after addressing them. They have a habit of visiting again, but with an impact of decreasing intensity, as we start recognizing them.

At a recent meeting with peers, this popped up again.  I found myself getting annoyed with the lack of structure, and discussion which was skidding out of (my) area of relevance and interest as per the broadly defined agenda.

I am so used to leading groups that I wished that I could have just cut across the ‘bumph’ and moved on. That’s what I do in my groups. I let things roll for a while, and then step-in and ask: Guys, what is really happening here?

But I was uncomfortable in voicing this in a peer group.

Because there are inevitable comparisons and competition in a peer group- Who occupies how much space? Who is more senior/ better/ more competent even among equals? And this comparison coexists with the anxiety of wanting to be accepted by the group. And this anxiety creates a dilemma: Should I speak up? Or stay silent?

Speaking up means ruffling feathers and risking making myself unlikable.

Staying silent means killing my authenticity- and my interest and enthusiasm dies out.

These realizations make me feel uncomfortable. But ‘Presence’ is being comfortable with the discomfort.

Some things which help me are:

–Know your triggers -Who sets you off? When?

–Notice your body signals: the heart pounding, the breathing becoming shallow. Attend to these with a gentle compassion.

–Challenge yourself by engaging with the situation fully instead of going into withdrawal mode.

–Find something to appreciate in the person you are feeling competitive with. Say it aloud to them. This will help you to say your piece, but in a relational way.

–The brain is getting fired up with these signals. Use it to bring energy in the room. Your (different) point of view can bring value to the topic, and help improve the quality of the outcome.

–Even if afterwards (post meeting) you realize that you were not able to present your ‘wise self’, do it afterwards in a 1:1 conversation.

–And finally, don’t worry about expressing yourself in a ‘perfect way’. If there are ruffled feathers, and you don’t come out in your best, polished way, you’ll deal with it later.

Once there was a Senior Executive who fell into the illusion that she was a hen. She took off her clothes, squatted under the table, and ate only grain or morsels. HR, Consultants and Coaches were referred to, but none of them could bring any change in her. Finally, a wise coach was found from Linkedin. HR took her to the Exec.

This Coach removed her clothes and, joining the Executive under the table, began to munch at some grain and squawk like a hen. The Exec looked at her suspiciously and asked, “Who are you and what are you doing here?” The wise Coach responded with the same question. The Exec replied, “I am a hen!” “Oh, really?” said the Coach. “So am I!” After a while they became friends.

When the Coach felt the Exec had grown accustomed to her presence, she signaled for a shirt and put it on. The Exec confronted her belligerently: “Are you crazy? Are you forgetting who you are? Are you trying to be a human?” The Coach replied, “You mustn’t believe that a hen who dresses like a human stops being a hen.” The Exec thought about this for a while, and then put a shirt on, too.

After a while the Coach signaled to have regular food put under the table. “How dare you ? Are you going to eat like them now?” said the Exec angrily (though really, she was scared). The Coach gently said: “Don’t be upset. A hen can eat human food human and still be a good hen.” The Exec considered this for a time, and then began to eat this new food.

Finally, the Coach said, “Do you think a hen needs to sit under the table all the time? She can get up and walk around if she wants to and still be a good hen.” The Exec then followed the Coach up from under the table and began to walk. “Remember,” the Coach said, “You can do anything with humans in their world and yet remain the hen you are.” The Exec was convinced and resumed her life as a person.

In our work and life stresses, we do sometimes loose our true essence, where we get fixated into old patterns of limited thoughts and beliefs. The work of a Wise Coach becomes to help the client find their way back into their gifts and ease.

The experienced coach knows her own compulsions, needs and pitfalls before embarking on a journey to accompany others.
Psychodrama is a powerful way of seeing the self clearly in the mirror, and in bringing change and transformation in others.

If you are a people enabler, Coach, Facilitator, and want to go deeper in working with your clients, and wish to get certified in the Psychodramatic way of Coaching, see here for details.

Story adapted from Adam Blatner’s ‘Foundations of Psychodrama’

Chicken Coat by Lorraine Hearn from Ravelry.com

In the zoom-boom that is happening, we are getting bombarded by invites for seminars, webinars, yes even wine-enars about upskilling, emotional resilience, re-pivoting, family meets, karaoke meets and school and college reunion ‘addas’.
We all have our favourite addictions.

I can own up to some of them: workaholic, shopaholic, jalebi-holic, Netflix-holic.

And now there is zoom-holic.

One definition of addiction is that: Once you start, it’s very difficult to stop, as the short-term consequences are too delightful, even in the knowledge (it becomes fuzzy in the immediate moment, I have to admit) that the long-term consequences are not that great.

Here are five signs that I spotted of my own addiction.

1. Racing from one zoom meeting to the next, and feeling pretty dashed important about this busy schedule; doesn’t matter legs are getting cramped, and the shoulders becoming stiff.

2. Accepting invites because of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).

3. Can see that the value-add of some of the programs one is attending is tiddlywinks, yet hanging on with the video switched off, while swiping through WhatsApp messages.

4. Some of the college/school-meets are pretty darn ridiculous- where everyone is trying to speak simultaneously, with the loudest and the most banal voices finally being heard consistently. The clamor for air space is more tiring than sustaining.

5. There is a ‘it’s-free-and-thus-can’t-be-missed’ compulsion.

Some steps I found helpful to de-addict:
1. Take time to wind-down. Stop. This is a time for a sacred encounter with mother earth. While we are all raving her pristine beauty, cleaner air, dolphins coming to the sea front in Marine drive in Mumbai, the chirping of the birds, how much time are we actually spending outside, and relishing all these gifts?

2. Say no to zoom events which don’t nourish or stimulate us. We have a big fear of being excluded, of not being part of the ‘inner circle’, of being left behind. While it’s nice to be connected, and we all have a social need, it’s helpful to check with oneself: is this gathering really nurturing me? Am I attending it out of love for the group/subject? or just greed for ‘making the most of it’?

3. Where ever we are , participate full-heartedly, instead of one ear on the zoom-audio, one eye on emails, and one foot in the kitchen trying to organize dinner. Also check with oneself – what is stopping us from engaging fully? Do we hesitate to speak up incase my contribution is not valued? Or am I telling myself the subject is too technical for me, and I’m not an expert in it? If the format of the discussion is unwieldy, and not enjoyable, take the risk of making a constructive suggestion of putting in place some ground rules. It may get thrown out, it may get ignored, but what the heck. Corona times is the time for us to face the fear of getting rejected or ignored or disliked for that matter- and find the greatest freedom of all: in listening to the inner voice which demands that we take care of our needs (of rest, nourishment, meaning, sustenance) rather than rushing to fill in the void inside from external sources.

Do you recognize some of these signs of addiction in you? Would love to hear of your experiences.

 

Recently, I was facilitating a team-building session for young techies. After the workshop, the Team Leader mentioned in passing that she noticed that ‘X’ (who has a quick mind) was making faces to his buddy ‘Y’ about ‘Z’ (because Z’s pace was slower).

Two concerns hit me: One, it was clear the team had to develop a maturity of accepting each other, working past judgements and intolerances which lead to annoyances and ultimately conflicts. Getting everyone on the same page is about both goal alignment and developing a mutual respect.

But the bigger piece was: As the workshop facilitator, how could I have missed this non-verbal exchange?

As a group facilitator, one of our tasks is to be so fully attuned to the emotions, thoughts and actions of members, that one has to almost develop ‘eyes at the back of the head’.

What caused me to miss this cue?

I realized I was so focussed in getting certain outcomes during this moment ; with accompanying concerns: Were the team-members ‘getting’ it? Was the exercise making sense? Was this dragging, and should I stay with it for a while, or move on to the next topic?

While this inner questioning is fine; However, we want to develop the ability to hold both simultaneously: the inner ‘self-management’, and the outer ‘environment-tracking’, to pick up signals of the atmosphere, the whole system.

The facilitator (or any leader whether of a team or organisation) cannot afford to have a ‘shut-down’ of any one of the two parts.

This requires the ability to continuously and simultaneously:
1. Check within:
What am I feeling right now?
Am I getting too attached to a point of view or a desired outcome?
What is the image of myself that I am trying to protect?

2. Scan the environment:
What can I sense and read from the expressions of the people around me?
What are their feelings- both expressed and unexpressed?

A second time this happened with me (!) was when as the leader of a project, I had to choose a co-leader. The announcement was made in a hurry to the group because of some reasons- the earlier co-leader was leaving, and there were some other organisational changes as well. But after the announcement was made, one person expressed anger and unhappiness at this choice. He had seniority himself, and I should have scanned the environment to have taken the rest of the picture into consideration.

What were other members’ feelings, thoughts, anticipations and expectations?

I completely missed taking this into account, in my anxiety that the project should not get affected in the wake of the changes, this perspective was missed.

I have seen leaders who similarly who are so keen in driving a point, in pushing an agenda, that they miss out on reading and sensing on what’s happening in the environment in their team.
If you are tuned in, you can detect if there is resistance, acceptance, resignation, enthusiasm, buy-in, or dragging of feet; and use that information to probe for further engagement. Because if this picture is missed out, the destination may not get reached.

This tuning-in requires a zen-like stillness; the ability to be ‘in the moment’ ; and to ‘empty’ the self of wants, wishes, sometimes even obsessions, and ‘letting go’ for higher wisdom to come in.

*(Photo illustration by Jeff Boyer / Times Union)

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{While this story is about my missing the ‘big-picture’ because of ‘over-focus’, there are  occasions when I’m able to ‘catch’ it at the right time! If you want to learn more about facilitating with a 360 degree view, or with ‘eyes at the ack of the head’ with psychodrama training (more details here), or develop team leaders who have this skill, contact us.}

 

A while ago, I completed my fellowship with Sumedhas. A journey of 5 years of a deep personal enquiry into oneself and the human context: Who am I? Where am I? Where am I going? culminated in becoming a facilitator in a process work group.

We celebrated ‘Crossing the Threshold’ —of knowing and feeling into the arrival of my ‘home’ a space of freedom and creative power. It was a beautiful Sumedhian ritual where we were welcomed by senior role holders of Sumedhas. I was reminded of the words from Blessing the Threshold by Jan Robin Richardson:

And now that
you are here
this blessing
can hardly believe
its good fortune
that you have finally arrived, that it can drop everything at last
to fling its arms wide to you, crying welcome
welcome
welcome.

I found a very apt metaphor used by German philosopher Nietzsche – who had a profound belief in the possibilities of human beings— to describe growth in four stages (which I could say is my story): sheep, camel, lion, and finally child.

The first stage is that of sheep: the concern of being part of the herd, governed by the anxiety of being ‘liked’, of fitting in. A quiet and comfortable life, no surprises, a reliance on the shepherd (authority) to show what is good for us… But there is a restlessness: There is something more to life?

As seekers, we push to the next stage— the camel: to discover we are carrying the burden of what others have told us. These “burdens” are other’s world-views imposed on us. Instead of the difficult questioning of our own meaning and existence, we swallow beliefs about: religion, prejudices, gender norms, even the meaning of success, my self-worth. Even while we go about performing duties and responsibilities, we realize our happiness lies in finding approval from others. There is a suffocation from which we want release.

This yearning leads us to the possibility and search of the lion within. Nietzsche writes in this phase we fight the dragon called ‘should and musts’ we have swallowed; “you must be a doctor”, “you must worship this deity”, “you must work hard but be invisible” and more, telling us how to live and who to be. Becoming alive to these starts a fine attunement to the self— We start listening to the inner voice and feelings, and trusting the impulse to take action— rather than a blind belief I what we have been told. We find a relationship with the larger picture – of being part of something bigger than myself. And because the guidance comes from within, there is a power to that clarity and call to action.

Having acquired active control of its life, the lion then overcomes its attachment to self, metamorphosing into a child, who symbolizes spontaneity, creativity, and playfulness. This is how the human spirit matures. “The child is innocence and forgetfulness, a new beginning, a game, a self-propelling wheel, a first motion, a sacred Yes.” We find our own values, to take the risks to know what we want from life and create it.

(sketch from http://endocentric.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-camel-lion-and-child.html)

This allegorical imagery resonated with me…and while I cannot say that I have reached the stage of the lion and the child, I know of its existence and have tasted it sometimes, and it’s a good feeling. And I owe a good part of it to the journey I undertook with Sumedhas. (click to know more)

It also makes me think:

In organizations, what is the culture that we as leaders are creating?

While we talk of wanting people down the line to take ownership and be accountable, are we really comfortable in growing lions— who exercise self-authorization,  confront organizational problems, both within groups and among groups, in contrast to “sweeping problems under the rug”and take initiative in their hands, who take risks and are answerable to the big picture even while finding collaborative solutions to problems.

Or do we prefer camels, who are diligent, obedient and hard workers?

Or better still, sheep who do exactly as told.

In our country in the current conflict, are we capable of seeing through the dogma of the differences between the two religions that is being fed to us for political gain which we are accepting as camels. And find our higher truth based on love of humanity as Lions. Are we capable of differentiating between leadership that is inspiring and uniting instead of pushing and dividing? A leadership that focuses on love and care, concern and compassion, healing and forgiveness, dignity and empathy, service and development of self and others.

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Get in touch with us if you want to create Lions in your organization, who give a mighty battle roar, “I will!” and take initiative in their hands. We are Organization Development change agents who enable growth through coaching and transformative workshops in Emotional Intelligence.

College Reunions and the Art of Dying

Author Rashmi DattPosted on Categories Leadership, Managing our emotions, Personal Growth, TeamworkLeave a comment on College Reunions and the Art of Dying

When I talk of the ‘Art of Dying’, it is not a literal idea. It is not a matter of dying physically, but of a metaphor whose central idea is to let our ego die.

We can say the ego is a view of ourselves, which we have derived from our set of experiences, accumulations, analysis and memories. It carries all our prejudices and distortions and is formed by a limited and partial perception of reality, which prevents us from fully understanding ourselves and others behind the veil of judgements, evaluations and conditions defined by the world.

We are meeting in Goa for our 40th reunion …from the year of our joining BITS Pilani. There is excitement, and at the same time, I’m also asking myself the question: ‘What am I doing here?’. For in our original batch of 400 ‘boys’ and 20 ‘girls’ the representation in Goa is 50 men and 2 women— just Vandana and me. The girls and boys didn’t interact much in our time— the relationship was binary. Either there was a romantic involvement, or nothing. The in-between option didn’t exist, like hanging around as friends.

So there is a mild anxiety—How will we relate to each other? There has not been much interaction in these 40 years— between the boys and the girls—except for an odd few professional exchanges.

But I know intuitively this is an important milestone, and something significant is waiting to be discovered, so here I am.

The first glimpse of it is visible when we meet in the afternoon for the round of introductions. The question that is generally asked at reunions ‘What do you do?’ is replaced by ‘What did you do in your last job?’ for many of us.

Yes, we have to reckon with the transition we are going through in life— we have worked for 35 years; we are in our late fifties. Often when small groups of college mates have met in the past, the unvoiced (or voiced) question that is discussed is: Who are the most successful from our batch? Who ‘made it’? Who were the surprises? Etc etc. Part of the debate could be defining and redefining the criteria of ‘success’.

But that question is no longer valid.

We are having to contend with the transition from a life of Achievement and Success in the outer world to the dreaded R-Word, of Retirement, where the invitation is to go inwards- to Contemplation and Inner Search.

When I talk of the ‘Art of Dying’, it is not a literal idea. It is not a matter of dying physically, but of a metaphor whose central idea is to let our ego die.

We can say the ego is a view of ourselves, which we have derived from our set of experiences, accumulations, analysis and memories. It carries all our prejudices and distortions and is formed by a limited and partial perception of reality, which prevents us from fully understanding ourselves and others behind the veil of judgements, evaluations and conditions defined by the world.

It is the same Ego which with some annoyance notices my roommate and I are the few people who have been given a room without a balcony in the beautiful resort in Goa which the organizing committee has selected for our stay. Which concludes to: hmmm. I am less important than the others who got room with a balcony; Where do we dry clothes after our dip into the sea? But it is a momentary glitch: we say, ‘Never mind about that, let’s go down and join the gala evening’.

As we meet, interact, beyond the exchange of biographies— the mandatory starting point of which is the mundane question ‘What do your children do?’ We go beyond that and have deeper conversations of the meaning of life, of what makes us truly happy. There is an attempt of knowing the person behind the Vice President who made it/ who is still in the running/ or didn’t make it. There is a softening in our interactions, beyond the labels which had got into the way of the heartfelt connections which we all wanted, but were unable to make.

And in all these realizations I am helped by my roommate for the two days—she is so chilled out that nothing much disturbs her. She just has a good laugh about everything and doesn’t take herself seriously. I marvel at the synchronicity that has arranged for our stay together, and my delight in rediscovering her after so many years.

I realize it is the same ego which made me decide not to wear the BITS T-shirt for the group photo- because in my vanity I felt it would make me look fat.

So the answer to my question: ‘What am I doing here?’ is to celebrate the dying of the ego. Which allows us to joyously celebrate every moment as it arrives. And to reclaim some friendships which we couldn’t make during our 4 years of stay at our magnificent campus.

Perhaps the divide occurred in the first place because we had fixed notions of how the girls should be treated by the boys, and vice-versa.

It is to notice that the room without the balcony doesn’t matter because I can open our hotel room window and hang the clothes out to dry in the sun; which I discover only in the morning we have to leave.


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Contact us if you have teams in your organization that are separated by divides of egos and fixed notions; and there is a need to build bridges of communication and understanding beyond labels and judgements.

How a burning desire to help gets in the way of my coaching practice

Author Rashmi DattPosted on Categories Coaching, Leadership, psychodrama2 Comments on How a burning desire to help gets in the way of my coaching practice

The job of a coach is not to reach somewhere; display her prowess; to hurry her coachees; or even ‘help’ them. It is to trust their own soul’s urgency for growth which will lead them to finding their highest potential. This encounter, the very heart of coaching, is a caring, deeply human meeting between two people, one (generally, but not always, the patient) more troubled than the other.

Bruce Lee in his book, ‘The Tao of Jeet Kune Do’, states that the martial arts practitioner requires both the study of fighting techniques and the development of spirituality. And the engagement requires three principles to be kept in mind- equally applicable in coaching:
1. Stop anticipating the outcome of the fight
2. Forgetting about all that is known by knowledge
3. Flow freely in the present, the here and now; and discard any past memories and future expectations

When I am coaching or facilitating, my desire to help clients see their blind spots, and find completion is immense. How I long for them to find their wholeness, their inner freedom, so that they can connect with their ease and greatness.

I can see their limiting behaviour patterns so clearly.

For example:
Poonam is so intent on being the good employee, the good daughter-in-law, the good wife, that she is feeling squeezed, claustrophobic. In the 2nd or 3rd coaching session, the tears don’t stop as she acknowledges the automation of her life, she is running on a program set by others. In the process, a part of her soul has been lost, and the grief is about the loss, the stuckness. Part of her journey is about setting boundaries.

Rukmini is struggling to learn to garner support at work. To protect herself, her learnt behaviour is that of judging others. She doesn’t realize she comes across as arrogant and she has to learn humility and collaboration.

Sanjay is avoiding the human encounter—which requires him to have difficult conversations with his vendors, subordinates and superiors. In being reasonable, polite and soft, he is avoiding his task as a leader- to communicate consequences of behaviours and deliverables not aligned with organization.

But this longing to help becomes the biggest hindrance to becoming an effective coach.

Because in coaching, and as in life, to imagine that I am to ‘reach somewhere’ or to ‘lead the other somewhere’ is the biggest fallacy.

Bruce Lee in his book, ‘The Tao of Jeet Kune Do’, states that his style of fighting, called Jeet Kune Do, requires both the study of martial arts techniques and the development of spirituality.

And the engagement requires three principles to be kept in mind:

1. Stop anticipating the outcome of the fight
2. Forgetting about all that is known by knowledge
3. Flow freely in the present, the here and now; and discard any past memories and future expectations .

I find that in a good coach or facilitator, exactly the same principles are valid.

1. Stop anticipating the outcome of the coaching conversation

Bruce Lee constantly asserted that one of the biggest mistakes a fighter can make is to anticipate the outcome of the fight:
“Do not think about winning or losing, do not think about pride and pain. (…)You should not think about whether it ends in victory or defeat. Let nature take its course, and your weapons will be used at the right time.”

My psychodrama teacher Dr Jochen Becker-Ebel has always said, the coach (or trainer) has to empty herself in the process of facilitation. If the interaction becomes fraught with coach’s anxiety about proving her brilliance, or demonstrating her ability to bring up startling insights, or about end-results, the session is about the coach , and not the coachee.

While the coach has to be fully present to the minutest of signals and responses from the coachee, which become the cues for the conversation to move forward, and she has to be constantly training to sharpen her skills, but in the session itself she has to let the ‘ego die’. It means to act like a “wooden puppet: she has no ego, she thinks of nothing, she is not greedy or attached to anything or anyone.”

“Desiring is a bond. ‘Desiring not to desire’ is also a bond. To be detached, then, means to be free, at the same time, of both, positive and negative. That is to be simultaneously ‘yes’ and ‘no,’ which is intellectually absurd. But not in Zen.” Lee writes.

2. Forgetting about all that is known by knowledge

As per the guidance given by Lee for martial arts practitioners: “The skill and knowledge attained must be forgotten so that you can float comfortably in the void without blockages. Learning is important, but do not let yourself be enslaved. (…) Any technique, however valuable and desirable, becomes a disease when the mind becomes obsessed with it”.

There are many skills and techniques taught in coaching—one can use for example: psychodrama; dialogue between the protagonist and antagonist using the empty chair; realtio-gram where the client puts on the table different objects from the room which represent the people involved in his dilemma to get a picture of how each element is connected to the other; voice dialogue; NLP, etc.

But while meeting a client, our work is to be present. To be receptive. To experience. To be able to be there.

In essence, I like this quote attributed to Jung: “Learn your theories as best you can, but lay them aside when you touch the miracle of the human soul.”

What Bruce Lee says of Jeet Kune Do is exactly true for coaching. “…all techniques must be forgotten and the unconscious must be in charge of dealing with the situation. The technique will be displayed automatically or spontaneously. To move with totality, not to have technique, is to have all the techniques.”

3. Flow freely in the present, the here and now; and discard any past memories and future expectations

A good coach meets her clients afresh; without notions about what the person was before; allowing herself to be surprised in every meeting.
“To express yourself freely, you must forget yesterday. From the ‘old’ you get security. ‘New’, you gain fluidity.”

Jiddu Krishnamurti, who greatly influenced Bruce Lee, held this view: “Desire is always of the future; the desire to become something is the inaction of the present. Now is more important than tomorrow. All time is the now, and to understand the now is to be free of time.”

So in essence, my job as a coach/ facilitator is not to reach somewhere; display my prowess; to hurry my coachees; or even ‘help’ them. It is to trust their own soul’s urgency for growth which will lead them to finding their highest potential. This encounter, the very heart of coaching, is a caring, deeply human meeting between two people, one (generally, but not always, the patient) more troubled than the other.

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 If you like this approach, which is taught in our Psychodrama Certification program, it will help in bringing new spontaneous and creative attitudes to your coaching and facilitating practice. Or if you would like your executives to be coached, leaving them incharge of their own growth.

Write to us at Rashmi.datt@gmail.com

(picture form www.ebaumsworld.com)

(Picture shows the protector Vajrasadhu, painted by Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche )

We all agree anger is harmful and toxic. But anger does arrive— the rush of blood in the head; shortness of breath, and the pounding heart. And when it does, what do we do with it? Brushing it under the carpet, swallowing it, denying it… comes at a cost. Unacknowledged or suppressed anger finds its way into displaced anger (directed at the wrong person) or head ache, or stomach acidity, over exerted nervous system leading to stiff arteries, etc. Its like quelling a fart… eventually it will come out in some way or the other ….

In a recent coaching conversation, Ram a Production Head in a medium sized plant said he had been very angry in the previous week, which he felt was wrong, it had ruined his week, and what was the best way to deal with it?

The situation was that to increase storage capacity of finished goods inventory in his factory, pallets were ordered to stack up to create racks. But when the pallets arrived (procured at a cost of half a crore by the Purchase Department), it was found that the specifications did not match what the production team had asked for.

True, the error was small: The pallets that arrived were 10 by 12 units, while the dimensions that had been stipulated were 11 by 12. But this reduction made the rack flimsy, and storage capacity was compromised.

It turned out that the specifications had been changed by a member of the Purchase team (lets say Basu), because the original size was not available.

Ram is quite angry for many reasons: His deliverables are delayed as he is not prepared to accept this compromised solution; there is a loss and wastage of these 50 lac Rupees; why the hell did Basu not consult with him before changing the specs? And most annoyingly, instead of accepting that he goofed up, Basu is justifying this actions (it was urgent and nothing else was available), and is being supported by his boss, the Projects Head.

Even while pushing for the alternate solution (they decide to make sample pallets inhouse); Ram is quite agitated. He has a showdown with the Projects team. His voice is raised and there is an explosion: ‘Dude, in the first place you can’t just change the specs on your own. You are a technical guy, you know it matters a hell of a lot. Mistakes happen. But if you are not even accepting there is an issue with your way of working, then we have a real problem. You are working as a lone resource; where is the teamwork? As end-users, you should have consulted us.’

Ram finds his voice is raised, and he is sweating.

He asks himself: Is it bad to be angry? And expressing it openly, and passionately? He chastises himself for ‘loosing it’. He feels he didn’t do a good job of ‘anger management’.
Feelings like are a technology that nature has built into us to help us face situations. For example, sadness helps us to face loss; anger gives us the energy to protest and make changes when there is wrong; fear gives us the signal that there could be dangers and threats and we need to be cautious.

Feelings are meant to be felt, not pushed away.
But in expressing it, we need to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy articulation.

The problem with anger is that it is often expressed abusively—often where there is a power differential between two people. It goes out of control and includes put-downs and insults. Then it becomes violating. You hold on to anger leading to smoldering resentment, and retaliation.

But in healthy anger, you express your displeasure non-violently. You take responsibility for what you’re feeling, instead of putting it all on the other person. Healthy anger is short, it explodes as a flare. You let go once its expressed—you may not forgive, but you do let go.

In Healthy anger – the other is a participant, while in unhealthy anger, the other is a target.

‘It’s a spiritual practice, to learn to express anger. It’s an act of love, a way of showing respect’ says Dr Dave Richo, psychotherapist and teacher. It is a way of respecting for the other person, otherwise we will judge him and curse him internally and the walls between the two people will grow bigger and thicker. It is also a way of respecting the organizational goals which are impacted because of the delay.

I’ve also seen cases where Managers do not express anger even when there has been loss or targets have been missed. They are patient, polite and perhaps timid. But not expressing it is also a disservice, as the message of ‘this is unacceptable’ does not go through; and what needs to be addressed is not course corrected. Reasons for not expressing are perhaps fear of consequences— What if the person takes offense? What if the person leaves? What if the relationship deteriorates further?

Feeling the anger fully helps in taking stock: How am I being affected? Is there a concrete or tangible loss, or is it my ego which has been hurt? Is there an important message that I must communicate now? Can it wait? If the issue is too small, and the relationship more important, perhaps I can let go this time. Do I have a specific ask?

Our conclusion was that the expression of anger was warranted.

What about you? How do you express your anger? Is your representation of it healthy or abusive or timid?

Dynamics of a Family Wedding (and the parallels with teamwork in an organization )

Author Rashmi DattPosted on Categories Managing our emotions, Personal EffectivenessLeave a comment on Dynamics of a Family Wedding (and the parallels with teamwork in an organization )

Recently we were at an off-site family wedding, which lasted 4 days, including Sangeet, Mehendi, Reception, etc, etc. Relatives arrived from all corners of the country and beyond- and met after a long gap. It helped every-one bond- because amidst (unspoken) comparisons, evaluations, gossip and assessment of How-Well-Have-They-Done, How-Much-Drink-They-Can-Hold, etc, etc; we connected and rediscovered a deep love and respect for each other—beyond the foibles and faults which sometimes is the first to be seen.

Recently we were at an off-site family wedding, which lasted 4 days, including Sangeet, Mehendi, Reception, etc, etc. Relatives arrived from all corners of the country and beyond- and met after a long gap. It helped every-one bond- because amidst (unspoken) comparisons, evaluations, gossip and assessment of How-Well-Have-They-Done, How-Much-Drink-They-Can-Hold, etc, etc; we connected and rediscovered a deep love and respect for each other—beyond the foibles and faults which sometimes is the first to be seen.

Hopefully this is the purpose of all group gatherings, including corporate retreats.

Any group is a great place to observe the dynamics of human behaviour, and what better than a wedding. In a group, emotions and thoughts are amplified: How am I looking? (I wish I hadn’t done my packing at the last minute and had planned my wardrobe better); Who are the people clustering together ? Am I part of the inner circle?

The behaviour is a function of many variables: your role, ie how you are related to the bride/ groom depending from whose side you have been invited; your age and energy- for example if you have kids you tend to be preoccupied with them; your level of introversion/ extroversion; your need to be in the lime-light; your skill set—for example if you are a good dancer then you can show up with a certain leadership on the dance floor, etc.

I took two key variables: one’s ‘Self Worth’, and the ‘Commitment to the Task’; and created the following two-by-two matrix, to plot the various behaviours I observed- in myself and others.

The x-axis represents the level of self-worth, or self acceptance- its about how substantive I feel- regardless of what clothes I’m wearing, or how successful I am, or how others treat me, or appreciate me. It’s about do I enjoy being myself; do I have a regard for myself; do I feel easy in my skin without second guessing and judging myself?

The y-axis represents the commitment to the task- It will depend on one’s role in the temporary organizing team which has been set up – eg there will be some who are assigned the drinks section, some to receive the guests, some to take care of the food, etc. But the larger goal is : to make sure the wedding goes smoothly, interact and connect with as many people as possible ; and ofcourse to have fun.

Here are the 4 quadrants:

1.Initiator-Driver (Certain-Self-Worth and High-Task-Ownership): those in this quadrant value themselves, and are connected to the group task. They have a high capacity to jump and extend their support. Thus they influence their environment, and at the same time have the ability to enjoy themselves.

2.Detached Observer: (Certain-Self-Worth and Low-Task-Ownership): those in this quadrant have chosen to invest less of their energies. It could be for various reasons- they may have other preoccupations or are not so close to the immediate family.

3.Tentative Participant : (Uncertain-Self-Worth and Low-Task-Ownership): Their somewhat uncertain self-worth makes them quite self-involved and self-immersed—and because of this preoccupation, are almost unable to extend themselves towards the task at hand.

4. Reliable Aide or Low Maintenance Guest: (Uncertain-Self-Worth and High-Task-Ownership): They are committed to extending themselves for the sake of the lager goal ; sometimes at the cost of their own comfort and well being.

Do you see the parallels between these behaviours and those in the organizational teams?

What are the spaces you occupy?

I found myself in all the four spaces.

I was inspired by those who remained largely in No 1. But simply being aware helped me navigate the 4 spaces, because we do have an automatic tendency to judge experiences, situations, other people and ourselves…as being good, bad, valuable, worthless, like don’t like. It’s about observing and letting go.

The Dalai Lama, my Father, and I

Author Rashmi DattPosted on Categories Uncategorized3 Comments on The Dalai Lama, my Father, and I

For many years, my father had an inexplicable wish to meet the Dalai Lama.

Inexplicable because a staunch Arya Samaji, he is far removed from Buddhist philosophy. He has been too engrossed ‘to make something of his life’ to delve into a way of life or viewpoint different from his default understanding. And to me it was a crazy wish, how could we –with no connections to this world—ever dream of having a personal meeting with this spiritual leader who was venerated and feted by the world.

For many years, my father had an inexplicable wish to meet the Dalai Lama.

Inexplicable because a staunch Arya Samaji, he is far removed from Buddhist philosophy. He has been too engrossed ‘to make something of his life’ to delve into a way of life or viewpoint different from his default understanding. And to me it was a crazy wish, how could we –with no connections to this world—ever dream of having a personal meeting with this spiritual leader who was venerated and feted by the world.

In a public sector career which was unfulfilled, in part because he never did have great relationship skills – he turned his attention to making statues of aluminum and brass by the lost wax method. It brought into bearing his knowledge of foundry process (which was his work in a large steel plant) of melting metal into casts of plaster of paris.

Driven by his need to ‘becoming’ something, he devoted  great time and attention to this hobby, which became an obsession, filling reams of diaries with notations of calculations, results of experiments. As children, we competed with this project for his attention. He continued tinkering with, fine-tuning, polishing these pieces for 40 years—till his early nineties (he is 93 now) , until his health gave in.

Initially he had the idea of selling them, but started gifting them away to family, grand-children and friends. There was one piece – a brass Buddha Head— which  he had kept aside to be presented to the Dalai Lama. For many years he wrote to the office of His Holiness, asking how he could hand it over. I didn’t take much interest (I was a big skeptic of this plan), and ofcourse there was no answer.

I also started noticing how caught up I was in my own life—with the process of ‘becoming’. I was driven with my own goals, need for achievement, to reach here and reach there. Perhaps in the wish of receiving an acknowledgement from the world that I was ‘something’. I was realizing that the very things that annoyed me in my father, were exactly the same in me. He was always restless- even when we visited him, he would be busily attending to paperwork of his shares, or something. It was hard for him to ‘just be’. And I had the same difficulty in ‘being’ in my pursuit of ‘becoming’. After dinner was over at home, I would be restless to get back to my work.

I got in touch with my wish to find joy in gardening, in hanging out with friends which had no objective, to drop everything and go for a walk when the weather was nice, to linger on at dinner table conversations, instead of obsessing about more books to read, more training techniques to devour and more clients to acquire. The yearning was to find a contentment, a sense of well being which was not dependent on what I was ‘becoming’, but in just ‘being’. I had ‘swallowed’ the programming of my father, and have bought into this belief that my self worth depended on how competent and how successful I was. In the course of these insights, I decided to write to the office of His Holiness, explaining my father’s wish. I didn’t really have much hope of having a meeting, but my father seemed to be confident. When I was tidying his cupboard in one of my visits, he said, ‘put this shirt aside, I will wear it to meet the Dalai Lama’.

To my surprise, we got a reply almost immediately. The Dalai Lama was passing through Delhi, and we had an appointment!

As we (my father, my daughter and I) waited in the lobby of the hotel, along with a handful of other invitees, I was struck by the kindness and graciousness with which we were treated by the organizers. There was no hurry. A comfortable seat was found for my father. And yet there was no waiting, as everything was on time.

When His Holiness arrived, he hugged my father as if he knew his angst, and as if He had all the time in the world, listened to my father explain his favourite lost wax process and accepted the figurine from him. I watched the two of them, feeling choked and overwhelmed as my father’s dearest wish came true. I was enveloped in his Holiness’ ‘being’, which emanated love and immense kindness for all- it seemed to flow from a deep unending source – which seemed to say you don’t have to reach anywhere or prove anything, all you have to do is love and accept yourself as you are, and others the way they they are.

It was a day of healing, for my father, and me.

Celebrating Diwali in a Prison

Author Rashmi DattPosted on Categories Uncategorized2 Comments on Celebrating Diwali in a Prison

What are the scenes you want to enact from the Ramayan? We asked the members in the women’s ward of the Haryana Jail where we have started conducting monthly Psychodrama sessions.

 

“What are the scenes you want to enact from the Ramayan?” We asked the members in the women’s ward of the Haryana Jail where we have started conducting monthly Psychodrama sessions. The Superintendent of the jail is a wise and humane man, and encourages them to be constructively busy, and after due diligence, welcomed our proposal of holding psychodrama sessions to help women in their journey of self-reflection, self-understanding, self- acceptance and interpersonal co-existence.

This session fell just before Diwali. It was an occasion of sadness for them…to be away from family, children, the world, from celebrations.

When we reached there, we discovered, the day prior, they had staged a play where Manthara the scheming maid of Queen Kaikeyi poisons her mistress’ mind against Prince Ram.

They wanted to stage the play for us too, and we of course agreed.

Going with the flow

We immediately dropped the ‘prepared ideas’ we had come with for conducting the session. We watched the sincere performance, the self-scripted dialogues spoken out clearly (but without much expression), and costumes scrimped out imaginatively with scarce resources.

After the play, improvising and going spontaneously with the flow, we divided the members into 4 groups, and the team-building task was to stage different scenes from the same story- the Ramayan. Until now, there had been only 5 actors in the practiced play- but now even the audience was given a chance of performing on stage!

We encouraged them to create their own versions or even provide a different ending to their scenes. After each play, we explored with the group- how was your experience while doing the play? How did it relate to your personal lives? It was so interesting to see how the chosen theme connected with the members who had selected it.

Connecting the stories with their personal lives

Group 1: showed a Hanuman who was more environmentally conscious, who would not burn Lanka on his way back from visiting Sita; nor uproot trees to get Sanjeevani to save Laxman (but would still accomplish his task). These older women, above 50 years, chose themes of service…in terms of being conscious of the burden on mother earth. They were also Hanuman devotees and spontaneously burst into a bhajan in His praise.

Group 2: showed the scene of the reunion of Ram with Sita and her sons Love-Kush in the forest. While he is pleased to see them, Sita gives him an earful for his absence. Comprising of younger women, in their 20s and 30s; their exploration led to the feeling of the sorrow of not being with their families and children, and it was expressed through the topic of Ram’s reunification with the family. We explored the opportunity the play gave to them to express their grief, and how feeling it would be more releasing than to bury it within.

Group 3: showed Kaikeyi who refused to listen to Manthara, as a result, Ram was crowned King. Ram and his family thereafter went to the forest- but for a picnic! They had a grand time eating mangoes and berries from the trees. All from a rural background, these group members had childhood memories of going to nearby forests and climbing trees. They liked reliving those memories.

Group 4: showed Shabari who had waited for Ram so many years in the forest to welcome him with the sweetest berries which she had personally selected for him. Again older women, who were devotees of Lord Ram, they expressed through a song and dance.

Groups had formed by self-selection, but it clearly showed sociometric choices, ie people who have common elements gravitate together. Sociometry can be an interesting way to look at group dynamics.

These expressions gave these women a chance to explore who they were in a safe way; it is early stages yet, and we are not going into personal histories. The format allows them to show up in a space of no judgments, their representation in whatever form is welcome, and it allows us to build a container for further explorations. As well as providing an opportunity to think beyond cultural conserves, outside the box. We want to eventually move to self-regulation of one’s behavior, for which the first step is to access both thinking and emotions, rather than swinging between extremes of being disconnected with emotions and on the other hand getting lost in the storm and outburst of emotions.

Everyone dances in the end to the devotional folk songs in the end. My co-facilitator joins in the dance (he is the only male in the room) and I admire his ease and flow. The goodbye in the end is full of warmth and hugs; and for a few minutes we forget that it is a different world, with restrictions and boundaries; which came alive when one inmate askes me: ‘Can I have your phone number, to contact you after I am released?’. I look into her eyes, and say quietly, ‘no’. I reflect on the holding both polarities together- of laughter and despair; of hope and loss; of blame and acceptance; of love and drawing boundaries; light and dark. Isn’t that Diwali, as part of life is about?

……………………………….

This experience of working with prisoners to bring a change in their emotional and mental lives is possible because of the open-minded and humanistic approach of both the Superintendent and the Haryana Jail authorities we have met. We use the same approach in our work with organizations to clarify values and review behaviors, practicing new spontaneous and creative attitudes to create a Flourishing Organization, using Psychodrama and Sociodrama.