Author: saurabh

You are in a typical social scenario: you are with a group of friends or colleagues at dinner for an off site, alumni reunion, etc.

Everyone seems to be having the time of their lives. Selfies, jokes, laughter.
But none of this makes sense to you . You are bored with the trivia, meaningless conversation, name dropping. Tired of the endless stories from the few who hog the limelight. They talk so much that you wonder rudely whether the mosquito will zoom into their always jabbering mouth.
And yet, with all these ‘oh, I’m so superior’ thoughts buzzing inside, there is a sense of loneliness, isolation and sadness at being unable to connect. It results in low self-worth. And you find yourself trying to make eye contact with a group member, hoping for a reassuring smile that says, ‘I still like you, despite your inner discomfort’.
One of the signs of being an outsider is the toggling in the head between the two polarities of ‘arrogance’ and ‘worthlessness’.
And your inner chatter becomes :
• No one likes me.
• I don’t have their social skills.
• Why did I ever come here?
• This isn’t the right group for me. They are not my kind of people. But the question is: who are my kind of people?

And the wretched thing is that though you have been looking forward to this group meeting, now you are fed up and wishing it would end soon.
If any of the above things are true for you, read on to find how you can stay grounded and find your ease and peace.

1. Know your intrinsic nature
Perhaps you feel inadequate because you don’t have exotic stories or amazing experiences to spin, and are afraid your silence will show you up as a ‘nobody’, an ordinary person with no ‘X’ factor or charisma.
Perhaps your intrinsic nature is that of an introvert: to be quiet, to not need to showcase yourself incessantly, and feel drained by excessive chatter.

Make peace with your introversion, and your ordinariness. That everyone cannot sparkle at the same thing. Shine as a listener, who is comfortable and generous at others being in the spotlight. And know that you will recharge your batteries when when you are back in your own cave.

2. Don’t allow your inner critic to dictate your participation and enjoyment
Sometimes you have an anecdote, thought, or idea to share, but you push it away into silence. This might be because:
• You don’t have the energy to fight for air space
• You fear that your contribution is not interesting enough.
Acknowledge these hesitations, BUT…Go ahead and follow that inner creative impulsive. Tell your story. Allow yourself to not be as good as the master story tellers of your group. Swing in your weight and wrestle for that air space, you will feel enlivened for having thrown in a few punches yourself. As your adrenaline starts flowing, you will enjoy the increased flow of oxygen in your system.

3. Accept and enjoy your role as an outsider

Because you have the ability to stand at the periphery (when you want) and move inside for the kill (when you want), you have the huge advantage of watching the play unfold, with people taking different roles.

You can have fun observing who is the Alpha– the leader of the pack. She has the highest influence, because of her initiative, charisma as well as competence. Alphas achieve their status either by aggression and confidence, or through social efforts and building alliances within the group.

The Beta is her strongest supporter, and gets her power from being the number two which the Alpha comes to rely upon. Betas are up for anything their Alpha wants to do.

Gammas are the followers, and show their acceptance and deference towards the Alpha. They don’t have any distinct personality of their own, their presence usually blends in with the rest of the room and they’re just sort of…there. They are non-controversial and usually liked.

The Omegas are different from the rest– often introspective, intelligent and because they find it difficult to conform, they end up being uncomfortable and even disliking themselves for not fitting in. They are in a way their own person, and can even be perceived to be emotionally distant due to their self-possession. Omegas do not care for leadership by others as they are perfectly capable of leading themselves. They are the opposite of the Alpha and can get into a conflict if they take a rebellious position to the Alpha.
There is a good chance that the ‘outsider’is the Omega, while the rest are the ‘insiders’. Being the outcast is never pleasant, but yes you can work your way around it.

4. Watch out for the competition and jealousies

In a group, there is a competition for influence and love. Who is the most beloved? Who has the most influence? Every one wants to know they matter. The reptilian brain goes into high alert as perceived threat levels rise. What if I am left behind? And then the fear kicks in, and we start telling ourselves stories of ‘I am not liked, etc’.

This fear can lead to you becoming a rebel without a cause: ‘Why was I not consulted? Why are we taking this call and not that?’ And if upon self-reflection you find you have put your foot in the mouth and have said something you shouldn’t have, maybe inadvertently hurt someone, go back and apologize.

5. Engage with your thoughts without getting entangled
There are certain feelings getting generated (fear, anxiety, etc), and the first thing to do is accept it completely and welcome it, notice where it is sitting in the body, instead of resisting it thinking ‘it’s weak/bad/ wrong to feel these feelings’. The feelings are simply a form of energy. Their acceptance will reduce their charge, and create space to check out the thoughts, knowing they are not necessarily true. Thoughts are a production of the MIND (Mostly Inaccurate Neuro Drama), and it helps to witness the internal drama as well as the external drama with detachment. A good rule is accept feelings and question thoughts.

6. Nothing lasts for ever
When you are in a state of detached observer, it becomes easier to notice group norms, and accede to them . You can tell yourself, this group engagement is only for the next 3 hours /48 hours/ whatever. The roles of Alpha, Beta , Gamma and Delta also change in different contexts. Even in the same group, they can change over time if you are in a space of self-reflection and growth.

7. Ask yourself: What do I really want?
As an outsider, there is a temptation to react to what is happening. Instead set your own direction by asking: What do I really want? What do I really enjoy doing? How can I explore these phenomenon more? What steps can I take to start moving my life in the direction I want?
These kind of questions will get you out of feeling negative about yourself and will give your mind a way to think of some positive action you could take.

8. Every thing is not about you
In our fear, we tend to become narcissistic, overly concerned about: how we are being perceived, whether our needs are being taken care of, and whether we are being given enough importance. Instead if we turn our attention on ‘What can I do to show my concern for others? How can I make another feel comfortable or wanted?’ Doing things for other’s happiness releases endorphins which can be very pleasurable.

In the end, working with a group is about working with certain unknown, unpredictable factors. And as Arnold Mindell said: ‘To work with the unknown, some combination of respect, ruthlessness, courage and cuddling is necessary’.

How do I write with such knowingness about the outsider? Yes, you guessed right, I have been one for the longest time, until I learnt that fear and anger relax their hold on me when I look beyond the pain of the moment and say ‘there is value in this.’
Have you ever been in this position? How do you feel about it?
If you would like to improve team working in your organization, or the art of being a team member, drop me a note.

I visited an Acupuncture clinic recently, and after the 3rd visit (I was advised a minimum of 12 sessions), I noticed a redness on my left calf in the evening- and a soreness. The following day, it had swollen up and was painful. I was to travel for 3-4 days, and didn’t think it was serious, but messaged my doctor with a picture of the affected spot. She prescribed a mild skin ointment, but her focus was on making the point that it was a hair follicle infection, and nothing to do with the acupuncture treatment.

In the next few days, the infection and pain grew worse, I messaged the doctor, but there was no reply. I was physically unwell, unable to attend to my work, and worried with what I had read upon googling about it. That night, I couldn’t shake off the feeling of anger, being let down, of being unsupported. (They are a high-end, expensive clinic). Round and round the angry and worried thoughts went in my head. There was also a self-judgment of having handled the whole episode poorly, of allowing them to make a fool of me.

There are oftentimes that we are affected by ‘sticky thoughts’. Annoyance at something someone has done or said (or not done/ said); at your own action or inaction; etc. It not only drains energy, our natural wisdom is also hijacked as a consequence.
Here is a practice that helps:
1. Contemplation
– Using your breath as an anchor, notice your thoughts and feelings. Stay with your breath, noticing the cool in-breath, and the warm out-breath.

– The goal is not to prevent yourself from having thoughts, feelings and sensations, but to notice the disruptions, and gently turn your attention back to the breath.

– You will notice the difference between thinking ‘I am such a fool’ and observing the thought ‘I am such a fool’.

2. Separate out the different ‘voices’.
In my case it were 3 different voices:

3. Look for the opposite voices
The above are different parts of Rashmi, but they are not the ONLY parts of Rashmi. It’s true they get triggered because of old patterns, its true that they have a very loud presence, almost drowning out other voices. But other resources within do exist. So what are the other voices, even though they are not very active right now?
I ask the other parts of Rashmi to speak: the Loving Rashmi, the Calm Rashmi, the Wise Rashmi.

The acceptance and allowance of the uncomfortable voices in the first place makes place for other voices to emerge and be heard, leading to wiser choices and feeling of being taken care of.
(Rashmi Datt is a certified coach, and helps people listen to their voices and inner wisdom)

One of the traits I notice in myself is that I am quick to find faults in others, and slow to recognize their gifts and strengths. I wonder if this is a defensive mechanism for me to feel safe- cocooned in the false belief that I am better than others. It’s exhilarating to think I’m on top of the heap.

And at times when I’m confronted with the stark, clear, irrefutable data that someone around me is smarter, capable, more competent, I feel very small. It’s painful and even threatening.
Competition and comparisons are deeply coded into my DNA, and it requires effort to watch it without getting caught up in it. But in order to relate meaningfully with people around me, I want to be in a space of balance- where beyond the shortcomings, I can deeply appreciate their beauty and grace, otherwise I’m shutting off doors of connections.

From my conversations with leaders, I find it’s not very different for them. Much of humanity is brought up on a diet of receiving messages of ‘not good enough’, and we get embroiled in our own quest to find self-worth. We feel disappointment at low performance; overwhelmed at the enormity of objectives; maybe even defeated with a setback; angry with a team; self-doubt at whether I’m good enough, and our own craving for appreciation. The leader then feels pressured and tends to focus on critical thinking – how to make improvements in the status quo, improve quality, and drive for excellence.

But an emotionally intelligent leader swims past these emotions to find inner resources to provide a positive climate and make employees feel respected, valued and significant. Bringing in this energy charges the environment, creates a heart connection where people contribute willingly and enthusiastically. Needless to say, if the feelings are not genuine and honest, it rings false, and falls flat on the face.

Demonstrating this positive regard can be done by small gestures like :
1. Acknowledging team member’s feelings: Notice energy levels around you- and relate it to the expressions you are seeing- whether of agreement, excitement or conversely – discomfort, confusion. Ask them: ‘I see from your expression you are not fully convinced. Tell me your concerns’.
When people’s feelings are not acknowledged, lingering feelings clutter effective action.
But by validating emotions, you are helping them feel understood, so that they can move forward unhindered.

2. Show that you care: A good leader knows when to push: ‘I hear your concerns about the stretch targets, but I believe you have the potential. You know the market like no one else.’ And alternatively to look at the worried face of an employee and say: ‘I heard your mother was hospitalized today. What are you doing here at work? Take 2 days off and be with her.’

3. Tuning into the employees: It could be a good practice for the leader to walk through the department or area, and stop and ask employees how its going. Listen with an open mind, seeking to understand the speaker’s message, asking clarifying questions.
After joining Ford in 2006 as CEO of Ford, Alan Mulally stopped going to the executive dining room on the top floor of Ford’s world headquarters and ate in the cafeteria. He would pick a table with an empty chair, ask if he could sit down and then start asking the surprised engineers, sales reps or accountants how they thought Ford was doing and what it could do better.

4. Appreciate, praise, recognize: When the CEO of a mid-sized pharma company in western India travels to another location, he chats with the location head before entering the office, and asks: ‘Tell me the names of 3 people in the last few months who have done something special or went out of their way to achieve a work goal, and describe what they did’ And when the leader walks into the office premises, he greets everyone, and stops by these 3 tables and says: I really appreciate what you did last week with …..’

5. Connect them to the big picture: When you take the trouble of summarizing the year’s ‘hits and misses’ and share it with the employees in a town hall in the simplest language possible, and also convey your appreciation for their hard work so far, and what needs to do done further.you are making people feel significant and conveying their contributions are important.

6. Take risks on people: An effective leader notices talent and says why don’t we give this person an opportunity to grow. He takes risks on unproven material but keeps a watchful eye to applaud successes and give feedback and another chance in case of failure. This emotional investment develops people and wins their loyalty.
When an engineer at Ford sent a mail to Mullaly, complaining that Ford’s hood designs were too complex, the CEO asked him to come up to his office with the drawings. They studied them together and, on the spot, Mulally made the guy the head of new task force to address the problem.

7. Ask for feedback: As a leader it’s important to assess the messages you send to employees. Sometimes the best way to know what they are thinking is to ask. If you feel comfortable, tell them it will help you become a better leader. And when you genuinely listen, it will help improve relationships and bonds with employees.
Ask questions such as:
Is there something I can do to help you become more effective?
Is there something I can stop doing which will make you feel better?

Every person has different needs, so in essence the leader has to develop a radar to sense feelings and perspectives of others. Tuning in to people comes naturally to some , while for others it may have to be a learned skill. But it does require you to be in a state of calmness and curiosity, to watch your own emotions like a hawk. And know yourself so well that you can identify your triggers, and sense fear or anger arriving. And when they arrive, feel them fully without running away from them. Observing your feelings, accepting the ‘as is’ creates its own freedom. For if you don’t operate from a place of ‘knowingness’, your own feelings will create further feelings. E.g. disgust at your annoyance, disturbance at your anxiety and underperformance.

And as you maintain your stance as an observer, you will be able to watch all of these as though watching a movie. Without attaching yourself to any of the emotions. Knowing that emotions are like guests- they will come and go, but the real self will remain unaffected- just like the screen is blank even while the movie is being screened on it.

We met these family friends after a long time. The wife taught the nursery class in a school.

As we chit-chatted, I was ‘Darn, I don’t have much in common with her. What will we talk about?’ The accompanying feeling was that of superiority-which is a bit embarrassing for me now to admit. For after all, what does it take to manage a bunch of 5-year olds? Other than the patience, of course, I thought snootily.

As the conversation continued somewhat desultorily, I asked rather curiously (and patronizingly): ‘What are the challenges you face at work? What keeps you awake at night?’ ‘There was a child in my class who hadn’t settled down even after 6 months. It was almost as if she had some sort of phobia.’ The nursery school teacher (NST) said. ‘After she got used to me, she would cling to me and not leave me out of sight. This was so worrying, that I was chanting and praying for her. I hope the poor thing works through this patch.’

Her gentle eyes were full of concern. Hmm yes, being an NST requires a big heart. I grudgingly acknowledged to myself. ‘

And then I had an assistant who was more of a burden than a helper. After 30 years of doing the same job, she had become impatient with the kids. I saw her shouting at my bacchas, even raising her hand to frighten them. I was told in the staff room she is known even to pinch kids. If I gave her a job, she did it very crabbily. And as she’s such an old employee, management would not have taken kindly to eject her out of the system’.

‘Oh, and how did you deal with that?’ I leaned forward with excitement. This was a case study right out ‘People Management Skills’.

‘I had many firm conversations with her. I said to her, ‘Evelyn, I will not stand for your raising your hand on my children. Their well being is of the utmost importance to me. Our only way of dealing with them is going to be with love.’

And I also said to her, ‘Evelyn, I don’t want to see a grumpy face in the morning. I would like to see a smiling face and interact pleasantly with you. The children also need to see a cheerful face during the day.’

‘And after a while, she and I seemed to understand each other. I was told in the staff room that the other teachers had just given up on her, and have never been able to get any productive work out of her’.

I was in awe of this ‘Nursery School Teacher’. I would probably not have managed ‘Evelyn’ so evenly, smoothly, calmly, acceptingly and graciously. Many managers I know wouldn’t have had this calm emotional tonality in tackling the situation.

The mind can be exasperating in the silly games it plays- of judging, comparing, feeling better than or less than others. It leads one through deceptive alleys. And even while it chatters, there is a restlessness- and self-dislike for the impatient, smug and priggish position it takes. Which is an attempt to compensate the insecurity from which springs the question “Am I enough?” It jumps around like the proverbial monkey. One way to NOT get into this self-beating (Why can’t I just be accepting of people? Why can’t I be in the present?) is to just observe the mind’s gymnastics. Like stepping into the balcony and watching and reporting on an interesting tamasha.

Yesterday was the birthday of a person I am in awe of. She is a colleague, one can say, as she is in the same profession; but someone who I regard as being ‘ahead of’ me~ in terms of capability and perhaps in knowing herself. I met her at a retreat where she was my teacher.

So in the morning yesterday, I thought to myself, ‘Let me call and wish her’. But by mid-day the resolve flagged, perhaps I could resort to the much convenient but diluted version of sending her a greeting on Facebook. For there was slight anxiety- What shall I say? After saying hello? What will she think? I didn’t know her THAT well. And, why did I want to call her? To express my affection and regard.

Incidentally, the dictionary meaning of to be in awe of is to have mixed feelings of reverence, wonder, and fear. So yes, the fear is also there as I have seen her becoming impatient with someone who gets stuck, doesn’t see reason, or is not willing to move on.

So there was this tussle between a spontaneous expression and on the other hand fears of ‘appropriateness’ and being ‘judged’. If one looks at it with logic, it’s a no brainer -there wasn’t that much to lose in making the call. And, it was I who was judging myself.

I also thought about how I (and probably many others) put people in hierarchies. Of less than/ more than: competence; wealth; social status; organizational designations; being well read; articulate; smartness; being well informed; achievements; attractiveness; how well the kids are doing; well dressed (yieeks, how much more superficial can one get!) etc.

Instead of going through life experiences getting caught with reactivity or inadequacy, can we just be present – and observe the phenomenon of the mind making the comparisons. And how gullible we are in believing whatever the mind concludes. Because that what we are comparing with is a part of the other person which is visible to us from the outside. We don’t know what is their inside story. As Steve Furtick explains, “The reason we struggle with insecurity is that we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”

The mind likes to make sense of the world by putting things in slots and categories, and then evaluate where the self fits in it. It’s almost a default process to check standards and even raise them. Instead of trying to combat this natural (compulsive?) thinking pattern, what I discovered is -use the comparisons- but with your own past self. Am I a better person yesterday than I am today?

And the truth is that we are all on our own journey of finding the statue inside the block of stone. (Remember Michelangelo said, “Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it.”) Instead of worrying about others’ blocks of stone, lets honour our statue within with love and compassion. By just BEING who we are. Without apology or arrogance. Without guilt and shame. In the celebration of our journey of the slowly transforming statue inside.

And yes, I did call her and had a lovely exchange. And I’m totally in awe of myself!

Centering Yourself, and just being Impeccably Polite

There is a wonderful story about Mandela, which shows how even in circumstances where even though seemingly powerless- he still put his opponent on the defensive. All he did was to be so scrupulously polite, that there was no option but to reciprocate with politeness.
The prisoners in Robben Island made a representation to the prison authorities about their conditions of treatment. There was still no conclusion, when one morning, Mandela heard that in the main section, the prisoners had gone on hunger strike. The prisoners who delivered his breakfast whispered it to him.
Mandela and his group didn’t know why, but as their comrades were on hunger strike so they went on a hunger strike.
The authorities immediately reacted- with punitive measure- the captives were shifted, and their books removed. The incensed commanding officer, Major Kellerman, came shouting: ‘Where’s Mandela?’
Reaching Mandela’s cell, he demanded: ‘Why are you on hunger strike?’
Mandela: ‘Colonel, can you and I sit down and discuss this?’
Kellerman stormed: ‘Mandela, I want to know now why you are on hunger strike when the discussions about conditions of your treatment are still going on.’
Mandela repeated: ‘Colonel, can we sit down calmly and discuss?’
The Colonel said: ‘No! No calmly! Tell me now!’
It would have been tempting to get into the reasons- but the outcome would still be an unpleasant argument which would have reached nowhere. So Mandela just recited the same line like a gramophone record with the needle stuck until the Colonel gave up and stomped off.
Mandela’s friends in prison who were watching had a good laugh afterward.

Define your own rules of the game (what is acceptable what is not)

Recently I was with a client who took a lot of my time. They were pleasant enough, but got very easily distracted into side conversations which were nothing to do with the topic or problem at hand. It was a family business, and the meetings were attended by two cousins and an older woman who was their HR head. The three of them had an amiable relationship, and in the middle of ‘why attrition was high’, or ‘why sales were down in Darbangha’, they would break off inbetween to discuss politics in Bihar, or the food of Bihar, or the Regional Manager of Bihar. I was exasperated at this waste of time, and in my irritation, couldn’t find a tactful way to bring the conversation back to track. Truth to tell, in the beginning, I wanted to ingratiate myself with them, and also joined in the conversations.

Either this, or one or other of them would be late in arriving for the meeting, and we would hang around waiting for his or her arrival.

It took me 3-4 meetings to figure out this pattern. And because I couldn’t pin down when the discussions would end, I wasn’t able to fix my next meeting.

I was inspired by this story of Nelson Mandela’s imprisonment in Robben Island, told by fellow prisoner Mac Maharaj. (The Telegraph: Dec 6, 2013: Mac Maharaj on life on Robben Island with Nelson Mandela).
Mandela spend 27 years in Robben Island, a former leper colony off Cape Town, breaking rocks, mining in a lime quarry, sleeping on mats on icy floors, treated to the severe and petty indignities suffered by blacks under a racist prison system. And yet, he always maintained his composure and dignity.
One day, the prisoners were allowed to walk to the quarry instead of being driven in trucks. Walking in rows of four in a column, the warders in front, behind and on each side, prodded ‘run, run’! The dust flew about them as the prisoners obeyed.
Mandela whispered a message: ‘Slow down, guys’. The captives’ hearts thudded with fear as they ran. How could they slow down? Their frightened muscles moved as though with a will of their own.

Mandela crept through the rows until he was in the front and there, and started setting the pace.
Everything was slowing down. The guards were shouting, but they could do nothing as there was no misbehavior from the prisoners-they had not sworn or talked back. And by the sheer process of walking slowly, suddenly the fear that was getting their muscles to move involuntarily had been conquered.
‘It was the slowest walk to the quarry but my overwhelming recollection is of the dignity that went with that walk. It won a round for us without bending to the rules they set. We had made the rules. That gives you a tremendous sense of moral superiority’ wrote Maharaj, Mandela’s fellow prisoner.

So what would be ‘my’ rules? It was actually very simple. All I needed to do was to set my ‘conditions’ in a reasonable and graceful way. When the meeting was being fixed, I needed to ask, how long do you think this will take? An hour? I’ll be there from 11 to 12 noon. And I needed to come on time and leave on time.

Why had I not done it before? For one, I needed to see this problem was occuring repeatedly. Then there are fears-of not wanting to displease the client, of appearing inflexible. But the end result is ending up feeling undignified, and that’s a choice which you have to exercise-if you are willing to live with it.
What are the situations you end up feeling your dignity has been eroded? The boss who keeps you waiting while he attends phone calls? The boss who looks at the computer while talking to you? The colleague who doesn’t reply to your emails? The boss who took a decision and didn’t keep you informed?