Category: Coaching

(Art by Katy Pillinger)

I worked with a client a while back, who had a big conflict with his business partner.

It was agonizing for him- there were parts of him which recognized the value of the partner, and parts of him which felt enraged, belittled and bitter about her behaviour . And he also knew he couldn’t do without her. One of those love-hate-relationships.

In the coaching sessions, we worked to separate and recognize the feelings, thoughts, sensations so that he could unhook himself from the external triggers. Some of the things my client identified about himself: he didn’t draw boundaries, did not state ‘asks’ clearly, withdrew in self-doubt, was besieged with comparisons making himself alternately big and small, and emerged as angry ‘Doberman dog’ ready to bite when he felt not heard.

Empathy is described as the ability to share another person’s feelings and emotions as if they were your own even when the other is not communicating them in an objectively explicit manner.

As a coach, with my self-awareness I knew a part of  me suffered in the same way, and I identified with his pain. At some level, the client is the same as me.

The danger with empathy however that I have learnt over time, is that too much identification leads to a pressure help the other. And this pressure caused me to feel at times inadequate because in spite of coaching, my client going to the same places again and again. And at times annoyance at his inability to look within at times, instead putting the blame on external events and people. (and I berated myself for not being a good enough coach afterwards).

Needless to say, all of this gets in the way of coaching and truly being there for the person.

Buddha says we have a wise self.

The role of a coach can be to remind the client to get reconnected with that center and essence; their inner buddha, their resourcefulness and wholeness, their Wise-Self, intuition, gut …whatever you want to call it…because they have all the answers. The coach doesn’t have the answers.

Zerka Moreno, the co-founder of Psychodrama said: “It is clear that I do not heal any psyches.  Protagonists themselves do the healing.  My task is to find and touch that autonomous healing center within, to assist and direct the protagonist to do the same.  I am merely a guide in the wilderness, clearing away obstacles so protagonists can find their very own path.”

Through Psychodrama, I learnt the important difference between the important difference between Empathy and Compassion.

                                                        (Art by Gabriella Barouch)

Compassion  leads to doing whatever possible to foster the release of the other’s Wise-Self rather than become the other’s healer. With compassion, you can be open-heartedly present with others without feeling the urge to change them or distance from them.

And when I drop my wish to ‘do something’, that’s where Self-presence will often release the client’s own Self.

This is the heart of the philosophy of Psychodrama – an action method developed by Jacob Levy Moreno (1889-1974) and his wife Zerka Moreno*.  It uses role playing and dramatisation techniques to explore the energy enclosed within emotions, dreams and conflicts in order to release the creative and spontaneous self.  “Spontaneity is defined as a new response to an old situation or an adequate response to a new situation“ (Jacob Levy Moreno)

Psychodrama is used both as individual and as group therapy and can effectively improve communication and work performance within organisations.

Psychodrama also trains us to turn the lens within, so that we notice when the clients needs and identities are getting entangled with the needs of the coach- and the process of staying clear of that. In short, it is about being compassionately present without having the need to ‘do’ or ‘heal’ or ‘empathise’.

If you want to understand how Psychodrama can turbocharge your coaching practice, see details of a  year-long diploma on ‘Psychodrama Coaching Practitioner’ from Vedadrama; and contact us for a two-day workshop on ‘Coaching through Psychodrama’ in January 14-15 2021.

Art: Mike Medaglia

Rohan aspired to promotion at Senior Director level.

His commitment to excellence, growth and clarity about contribution to the company’s bottom line was evident. In the last couple of years, he had work long and hard, and developed a unique analytical product to build the block chain system in the company.

And yet, when there was an opportunity for promotion to Senior Director, he was not selected. He feels disappointed, betrayed and bitter.

His manager had told him: ‘Rohan, this is a no-brainer. You are the right guy for this, and you’ll make it’. Then there was an organizational change, and the manager relocated.

He went over that ugly but polite conversation several times in his head.

Over an 8am zoom call, his new manager emotionlessly told him: ‘We have decided to hire an external person for the position of Senior Director’.

Rohan: I’m surprised to hear this. When is the person joining?

New Boss: In a month’s time. Your role in onboarding her will be invaluable.

Rohan: Yes, of course I will support her.

New Boss: Of course we are committed to your growth, and there will be opportunities.

Rohan: Yes, thank you.

Rohan feels a heaviness in his head, a ringing in his ears, his breathing becomes shallow, and for some time his spirit isn’t able to move. He feels a mixture of disbelief, despair, helplessness.

Rohan is already making plans to quit in the next 12 months, and in the meanwhile starting a side-hustle. He has disapproved of Presenteeism: Physical presence and psychological absence combined; and now its happening to him.

This trigger of unexpected disappointment has sent Rohan to a ‘Freeze’ and  ‘Flight’ mode.

What is needed is for him to ‘Stay and Play’.

Ask for a meeting afterwards with the key stakeholder.

‘Why was I not considered for the promotion? I consider my self worthy of the opportunity because..

x…

y…

z…

(going prepared with a list of tangible achievements/ qualities)

 While I am both disappointed and angry, I am prepared to consider a different point of view. 

You may had had your reasons.

I am curious to discover what they could be; and this feedback could be useful to my growth. Perhaps I have some blind spots I will discover.’

But this action requires Self-Awareness and the ability to notice- What are my feelings?  What are my response patterns of ‘flight’ or ‘fight’ in this situation?

One emotion that Rohan dare not admit to himself is anger. Anger has unfortunately acquired a bad rep, and we end up drowning in despair, but we are numb to our own anger. Fully feeling anger will give rise to aggression; and get him out of ‘victim’ (‘poor-me’ position).

Charles Darwin would have agreed. Even animals need emotions. Fear causes them to avoid predators; Anger triggers aggression that helps them protect their young, their mates, their food, and anything else necessary for the species survival. From Anger there is the possibility of the birth of Courage.

In not acknowledging his emotions fully— especially of anger, Rohan lost the opportunity to express his own point of view. He squandered his autonomy. Of taking action to impact the outcome.

The boss is left thinking: The situation is well handled. He has accepted it fine, and he’s ok to report to the new person we are bringing in.’

“The way to overcome something is not to avoid it but to move into it.”– Arnie Kozak

(I  meet many Rohans in my work as a Leadership and Executive Presence Coach. They eventually learn to seize Life and their Autonomy, and find  freedom and power.

Our group coaching program starts on Nov 21,2020 Developing EI for Executive Presence)

Dear Suryakant,

You have asked me (and I quote your email): ‘What should I do with my competitive behaviour. In a team- I want to be the best. The feeling is similar to being 1st in the class. In fact throughout my high school and Engineering, I was either 1st or 2nd in class.

However in real life, this behaviour sometimes makes me less productive and prevents collaboration with others. I would appreciate it if you could give me some suggestions – either via an online session or email if possible.

Well. Here goes.

First, congratulations in seeing so clearly a part of yourself which many people dare not touch. Most of us run away from looking into the mirror when we find something unpleasant or undesirable. Its also called: our psychological or personal “Shadow”, which comprises of those qualities, impulses, and emotions that we cannot bear for others to see and thus cast into the hidden domain of ourselves. It takes courage to call out a quality in the self, which is normally looked down upon by society.

The Psychodrama session which we did in our last meeting— while it was about your difficulty in ‘speaking up’ a point of view which you believe was in the best interests of the organization, especially in the presence of ‘authority figures’  ; it unearthed another topic— of your competitive self which gets triggered, which was until now buried in the unconscious. This is also the power of Psychodrama.

In this role-play, where you were the protagonist, we called on ‘stage’ group members to play these two roles: the boss and the boss’ boss. As we explored the tension between you and your boss (ofcourse there are organization politics all the time), and your diffidence in sharing your view point, we understood that to get out of ‘Freeze Mode’ requires giving up the need to be right, and allowing yourself to make mistakes and risks.

And as the enactment explored not only external behavior, but also ‘inner’ aspects, such as unspoken thoughts and feelings, fantasies of what others might be feeling and thinking, you discovered an unspoken competition between you and your boss (who is almost your age) which was coming in the way of building a healthy relationship, which in turn was impacting the way the project was moving forward.

As you know, in Psychodrama, we  don’t ‘advise’, but offer a ‘sharing’.

The fact is that competitiveness is one of my ‘demons’ too. Demons don’t entirely go away, even after addressing them. They have a habit of visiting again, but with an impact of decreasing intensity, as we start recognizing them.

At a recent meeting with peers, this popped up again.  I found myself getting annoyed with the lack of structure, and discussion which was skidding out of (my) area of relevance and interest as per the broadly defined agenda.

I am so used to leading groups that I wished that I could have just cut across the ‘bumph’ and moved on. That’s what I do in my groups. I let things roll for a while, and then step-in and ask: Guys, what is really happening here?

But I was uncomfortable in voicing this in a peer group.

Because there are inevitable comparisons and competition in a peer group- Who occupies how much space? Who is more senior/ better/ more competent even among equals? And this comparison coexists with the anxiety of wanting to be accepted by the group. And this anxiety creates a dilemma: Should I speak up? Or stay silent?

Speaking up means ruffling feathers and risking making myself unlikable.

Staying silent means killing my authenticity- and my interest and enthusiasm dies out.

These realizations make me feel uncomfortable. But ‘Presence’ is being comfortable with the discomfort.

Some things which help me are:

–Know your triggers -Who sets you off? When?

–Notice your body signals: the heart pounding, the breathing becoming shallow. Attend to these with a gentle compassion.

–Challenge yourself by engaging with the situation fully instead of going into withdrawal mode.

–Find something to appreciate in the person you are feeling competitive with. Say it aloud to them. This will help you to say your piece, but in a relational way.

–The brain is getting fired up with these signals. Use it to bring energy in the room. Your (different) point of view can bring value to the topic, and help improve the quality of the outcome.

–Even if afterwards (post meeting) you realize that you were not able to present your ‘wise self’, do it afterwards in a 1:1 conversation.

–And finally, don’t worry about expressing yourself in a ‘perfect way’. If there are ruffled feathers, and you don’t come out in your best, polished way, you’ll deal with it later.

 

A while ago, I completed my fellowship with Sumedhas. A journey of 5 years of a deep personal enquiry into oneself and the human context: Who am I? Where am I? Where am I going? culminated in becoming a facilitator in a process work group.

We celebrated ‘Crossing the Threshold’ —of knowing and feeling into the arrival of my ‘home’ a space of freedom and creative power. It was a beautiful Sumedhian ritual where we were welcomed by senior role holders of Sumedhas. I was reminded of the words from Blessing the Threshold by Jan Robin Richardson:

And now that
you are here
this blessing
can hardly believe
its good fortune
that you have finally arrived, that it can drop everything at last
to fling its arms wide to you, crying welcome
welcome
welcome.

I found a very apt metaphor used by German philosopher Nietzsche – who had a profound belief in the possibilities of human beings— to describe growth in four stages (which I could say is my story): sheep, camel, lion, and finally child.

The first stage is that of sheep: the concern of being part of the herd, governed by the anxiety of being ‘liked’, of fitting in. A quiet and comfortable life, no surprises, a reliance on the shepherd (authority) to show what is good for us… But there is a restlessness: There is something more to life?

As seekers, we push to the next stage— the camel: to discover we are carrying the burden of what others have told us. These “burdens” are other’s world-views imposed on us. Instead of the difficult questioning of our own meaning and existence, we swallow beliefs about: religion, prejudices, gender norms, even the meaning of success, my self-worth. Even while we go about performing duties and responsibilities, we realize our happiness lies in finding approval from others. There is a suffocation from which we want release.

This yearning leads us to the possibility and search of the lion within. Nietzsche writes in this phase we fight the dragon called ‘should and musts’ we have swallowed; “you must be a doctor”, “you must worship this deity”, “you must work hard but be invisible” and more, telling us how to live and who to be. Becoming alive to these starts a fine attunement to the self— We start listening to the inner voice and feelings, and trusting the impulse to take action— rather than a blind belief I what we have been told. We find a relationship with the larger picture – of being part of something bigger than myself. And because the guidance comes from within, there is a power to that clarity and call to action.

Having acquired active control of its life, the lion then overcomes its attachment to self, metamorphosing into a child, who symbolizes spontaneity, creativity, and playfulness. This is how the human spirit matures. “The child is innocence and forgetfulness, a new beginning, a game, a self-propelling wheel, a first motion, a sacred Yes.” We find our own values, to take the risks to know what we want from life and create it.

(sketch from http://endocentric.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-camel-lion-and-child.html)

This allegorical imagery resonated with me…and while I cannot say that I have reached the stage of the lion and the child, I know of its existence and have tasted it sometimes, and it’s a good feeling. And I owe a good part of it to the journey I undertook with Sumedhas. (click to know more)

It also makes me think:

In organizations, what is the culture that we as leaders are creating?

While we talk of wanting people down the line to take ownership and be accountable, are we really comfortable in growing lions— who exercise self-authorization,  confront organizational problems, both within groups and among groups, in contrast to “sweeping problems under the rug”and take initiative in their hands, who take risks and are answerable to the big picture even while finding collaborative solutions to problems.

Or do we prefer camels, who are diligent, obedient and hard workers?

Or better still, sheep who do exactly as told.

In our country in the current conflict, are we capable of seeing through the dogma of the differences between the two religions that is being fed to us for political gain which we are accepting as camels. And find our higher truth based on love of humanity as Lions. Are we capable of differentiating between leadership that is inspiring and uniting instead of pushing and dividing? A leadership that focuses on love and care, concern and compassion, healing and forgiveness, dignity and empathy, service and development of self and others.

……………………………….……………………………………………………………………….

Get in touch with us if you want to create Lions in your organization, who give a mighty battle roar, “I will!” and take initiative in their hands. We are Organization Development change agents who enable growth through coaching and transformative workshops in Emotional Intelligence.

How a burning desire to help gets in the way of my coaching practice

Author Rashmi DattPosted on Categories Coaching, Leadership, psychodrama2 Comments on How a burning desire to help gets in the way of my coaching practice

The job of a coach is not to reach somewhere; display her prowess; to hurry her coachees; or even ‘help’ them. It is to trust their own soul’s urgency for growth which will lead them to finding their highest potential. This encounter, the very heart of coaching, is a caring, deeply human meeting between two people, one (generally, but not always, the patient) more troubled than the other.

Bruce Lee in his book, ‘The Tao of Jeet Kune Do’, states that the martial arts practitioner requires both the study of fighting techniques and the development of spirituality. And the engagement requires three principles to be kept in mind- equally applicable in coaching:
1. Stop anticipating the outcome of the fight
2. Forgetting about all that is known by knowledge
3. Flow freely in the present, the here and now; and discard any past memories and future expectations

When I am coaching or facilitating, my desire to help clients see their blind spots, and find completion is immense. How I long for them to find their wholeness, their inner freedom, so that they can connect with their ease and greatness.

I can see their limiting behaviour patterns so clearly.

For example:
Poonam is so intent on being the good employee, the good daughter-in-law, the good wife, that she is feeling squeezed, claustrophobic. In the 2nd or 3rd coaching session, the tears don’t stop as she acknowledges the automation of her life, she is running on a program set by others. In the process, a part of her soul has been lost, and the grief is about the loss, the stuckness. Part of her journey is about setting boundaries.

Rukmini is struggling to learn to garner support at work. To protect herself, her learnt behaviour is that of judging others. She doesn’t realize she comes across as arrogant and she has to learn humility and collaboration.

Sanjay is avoiding the human encounter—which requires him to have difficult conversations with his vendors, subordinates and superiors. In being reasonable, polite and soft, he is avoiding his task as a leader- to communicate consequences of behaviours and deliverables not aligned with organization.

But this longing to help becomes the biggest hindrance to becoming an effective coach.

Because in coaching, and as in life, to imagine that I am to ‘reach somewhere’ or to ‘lead the other somewhere’ is the biggest fallacy.

Bruce Lee in his book, ‘The Tao of Jeet Kune Do’, states that his style of fighting, called Jeet Kune Do, requires both the study of martial arts techniques and the development of spirituality.

And the engagement requires three principles to be kept in mind:

1. Stop anticipating the outcome of the fight
2. Forgetting about all that is known by knowledge
3. Flow freely in the present, the here and now; and discard any past memories and future expectations .

I find that in a good coach or facilitator, exactly the same principles are valid.

1. Stop anticipating the outcome of the coaching conversation

Bruce Lee constantly asserted that one of the biggest mistakes a fighter can make is to anticipate the outcome of the fight:
“Do not think about winning or losing, do not think about pride and pain. (…)You should not think about whether it ends in victory or defeat. Let nature take its course, and your weapons will be used at the right time.”

My psychodrama teacher Dr Jochen Becker-Ebel has always said, the coach (or trainer) has to empty herself in the process of facilitation. If the interaction becomes fraught with coach’s anxiety about proving her brilliance, or demonstrating her ability to bring up startling insights, or about end-results, the session is about the coach , and not the coachee.

While the coach has to be fully present to the minutest of signals and responses from the coachee, which become the cues for the conversation to move forward, and she has to be constantly training to sharpen her skills, but in the session itself she has to let the ‘ego die’. It means to act like a “wooden puppet: she has no ego, she thinks of nothing, she is not greedy or attached to anything or anyone.”

“Desiring is a bond. ‘Desiring not to desire’ is also a bond. To be detached, then, means to be free, at the same time, of both, positive and negative. That is to be simultaneously ‘yes’ and ‘no,’ which is intellectually absurd. But not in Zen.” Lee writes.

2. Forgetting about all that is known by knowledge

As per the guidance given by Lee for martial arts practitioners: “The skill and knowledge attained must be forgotten so that you can float comfortably in the void without blockages. Learning is important, but do not let yourself be enslaved. (…) Any technique, however valuable and desirable, becomes a disease when the mind becomes obsessed with it”.

There are many skills and techniques taught in coaching—one can use for example: psychodrama; dialogue between the protagonist and antagonist using the empty chair; realtio-gram where the client puts on the table different objects from the room which represent the people involved in his dilemma to get a picture of how each element is connected to the other; voice dialogue; NLP, etc.

But while meeting a client, our work is to be present. To be receptive. To experience. To be able to be there.

In essence, I like this quote attributed to Jung: “Learn your theories as best you can, but lay them aside when you touch the miracle of the human soul.”

What Bruce Lee says of Jeet Kune Do is exactly true for coaching. “…all techniques must be forgotten and the unconscious must be in charge of dealing with the situation. The technique will be displayed automatically or spontaneously. To move with totality, not to have technique, is to have all the techniques.”

3. Flow freely in the present, the here and now; and discard any past memories and future expectations

A good coach meets her clients afresh; without notions about what the person was before; allowing herself to be surprised in every meeting.
“To express yourself freely, you must forget yesterday. From the ‘old’ you get security. ‘New’, you gain fluidity.”

Jiddu Krishnamurti, who greatly influenced Bruce Lee, held this view: “Desire is always of the future; the desire to become something is the inaction of the present. Now is more important than tomorrow. All time is the now, and to understand the now is to be free of time.”

So in essence, my job as a coach/ facilitator is not to reach somewhere; display my prowess; to hurry my coachees; or even ‘help’ them. It is to trust their own soul’s urgency for growth which will lead them to finding their highest potential. This encounter, the very heart of coaching, is a caring, deeply human meeting between two people, one (generally, but not always, the patient) more troubled than the other.

………………………………….…………………………………………………………

 If you like this approach, which is taught in our Psychodrama Certification program, it will help in bringing new spontaneous and creative attitudes to your coaching and facilitating practice. Or if you would like your executives to be coached, leaving them incharge of their own growth.

Write to us at Rashmi.datt@gmail.com

(picture form www.ebaumsworld.com)