Category: Communication skills

Yesterday , at my brother’s terrace over barbeque lunch, I conducted a short social experiment. Their son was going back to college campus after being at home for 10 months.

I asked my brother, ‘How are you feeling about Sunny going back to college?’

“I’m happy for him”, he said.

“And how do you feel for yourself?”

“He has spent 10 months with us, that was a bonus”.

My sis-in-law’s reply was more straightforward: “I’m sad that he is going. Covid also worries me, though I know the college will take all precautions”.

And the young man in question was very direct: ‘I’m happy to be gone.”

What did my social experiment reveal? That some people have difficulty in expressing directly how they feel, like my brother. In both his answers, he didn’t (couldn’t?) say how HE felt (I’m sad, I’ll miss him, or I’m relieved, etc).

Why is it important to feel?

If we don’t acknowledge emotions (whether in your relationship with a colleague, co-founder, or a dear one) they lurk under-cover and impact you insidiously. They creep up in unconscious expressions like fight, flight, freeze, fawn, flop. And leave us unable to access reason, logic, looking for alternate perspectives, which enable us to ‘stay and play’.

There is even a word for the inability to recognize or describe one’s own emotions: alexithymia. The core characteristic of alexithymia is marked dysfunction in emotional awareness, social attachment, and interpersonal relation.

Integration of thoughts and feelings is intelligence.~ J Krishnamurty.

In a study of college students, researchers found that when females disclosed feeling depressed to their roommates, they received nurturance. But in response to the same kind of disclosure, the roommates of men were isolating or hostile. Our culture, unfortunately trains men to fear vulnerability.

An excerpt from an interview of a young man who was a friend of the killers of Matthew Shepard—the man who in 1998 was bludgeoned in Wyoming just because he was gay:

“If you’re telling your feelings, you’re kind of a wuss.”

“So what do you do when things hurt?”

“That’s why God created whiskey, don’t you think?”

It is oftenest through intensity of emotion that the psychic being awakens and there is an opening of the inner doors to the divine ~Sri Aurobindo.

If we want to humanize the workplace, is it important for us to be in touch with our emotions?

Is there a gender difference in the way feelings are felt and expressed?

Are millennials more in tune with their emotions- regardless of their gender?

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Here is information about our 5-week program DEEP (Developing Emotional Intelligence for Executive Presence)  (Group 7 starts in end-March)

Shared with permission of my brother and sis-in-law, the protagonists of the social experiment.

Thank you Vijaykumar V for these two quotes which came up in our conversation last week.

(art by Marie Carduot for Dixit Odyssey base game)

Art: Mike Medaglia

Rohan aspired to promotion at Senior Director level.

His commitment to excellence, growth and clarity about contribution to the company’s bottom line was evident. In the last couple of years, he had work long and hard, and developed a unique analytical product to build the block chain system in the company.

And yet, when there was an opportunity for promotion to Senior Director, he was not selected. He feels disappointed, betrayed and bitter.

His manager had told him: ‘Rohan, this is a no-brainer. You are the right guy for this, and you’ll make it’. Then there was an organizational change, and the manager relocated.

He went over that ugly but polite conversation several times in his head.

Over an 8am zoom call, his new manager emotionlessly told him: ‘We have decided to hire an external person for the position of Senior Director’.

Rohan: I’m surprised to hear this. When is the person joining?

New Boss: In a month’s time. Your role in onboarding her will be invaluable.

Rohan: Yes, of course I will support her.

New Boss: Of course we are committed to your growth, and there will be opportunities.

Rohan: Yes, thank you.

Rohan feels a heaviness in his head, a ringing in his ears, his breathing becomes shallow, and for some time his spirit isn’t able to move. He feels a mixture of disbelief, despair, helplessness.

Rohan is already making plans to quit in the next 12 months, and in the meanwhile starting a side-hustle. He has disapproved of Presenteeism: Physical presence and psychological absence combined; and now its happening to him.

This trigger of unexpected disappointment has sent Rohan to a ‘Freeze’ and  ‘Flight’ mode.

What is needed is for him to ‘Stay and Play’.

Ask for a meeting afterwards with the key stakeholder.

‘Why was I not considered for the promotion? I consider my self worthy of the opportunity because..

x…

y…

z…

(going prepared with a list of tangible achievements/ qualities)

 While I am both disappointed and angry, I am prepared to consider a different point of view. 

You may had had your reasons.

I am curious to discover what they could be; and this feedback could be useful to my growth. Perhaps I have some blind spots I will discover.’

But this action requires Self-Awareness and the ability to notice- What are my feelings?  What are my response patterns of ‘flight’ or ‘fight’ in this situation?

One emotion that Rohan dare not admit to himself is anger. Anger has unfortunately acquired a bad rep, and we end up drowning in despair, but we are numb to our own anger. Fully feeling anger will give rise to aggression; and get him out of ‘victim’ (‘poor-me’ position).

Charles Darwin would have agreed. Even animals need emotions. Fear causes them to avoid predators; Anger triggers aggression that helps them protect their young, their mates, their food, and anything else necessary for the species survival. From Anger there is the possibility of the birth of Courage.

In not acknowledging his emotions fully— especially of anger, Rohan lost the opportunity to express his own point of view. He squandered his autonomy. Of taking action to impact the outcome.

The boss is left thinking: The situation is well handled. He has accepted it fine, and he’s ok to report to the new person we are bringing in.’

“The way to overcome something is not to avoid it but to move into it.”– Arnie Kozak

(I  meet many Rohans in my work as a Leadership and Executive Presence Coach. They eventually learn to seize Life and their Autonomy, and find  freedom and power.

Our group coaching program starts on Nov 21,2020 Developing EI for Executive Presence)

Dear Suryakant,

You have asked me (and I quote your email): ‘What should I do with my competitive behaviour. In a team- I want to be the best. The feeling is similar to being 1st in the class. In fact throughout my high school and Engineering, I was either 1st or 2nd in class.

However in real life, this behaviour sometimes makes me less productive and prevents collaboration with others. I would appreciate it if you could give me some suggestions – either via an online session or email if possible.

Well. Here goes.

First, congratulations in seeing so clearly a part of yourself which many people dare not touch. Most of us run away from looking into the mirror when we find something unpleasant or undesirable. Its also called: our psychological or personal “Shadow”, which comprises of those qualities, impulses, and emotions that we cannot bear for others to see and thus cast into the hidden domain of ourselves. It takes courage to call out a quality in the self, which is normally looked down upon by society.

The Psychodrama session which we did in our last meeting— while it was about your difficulty in ‘speaking up’ a point of view which you believe was in the best interests of the organization, especially in the presence of ‘authority figures’  ; it unearthed another topic— of your competitive self which gets triggered, which was until now buried in the unconscious. This is also the power of Psychodrama.

In this role-play, where you were the protagonist, we called on ‘stage’ group members to play these two roles: the boss and the boss’ boss. As we explored the tension between you and your boss (ofcourse there are organization politics all the time), and your diffidence in sharing your view point, we understood that to get out of ‘Freeze Mode’ requires giving up the need to be right, and allowing yourself to make mistakes and risks.

And as the enactment explored not only external behavior, but also ‘inner’ aspects, such as unspoken thoughts and feelings, fantasies of what others might be feeling and thinking, you discovered an unspoken competition between you and your boss (who is almost your age) which was coming in the way of building a healthy relationship, which in turn was impacting the way the project was moving forward.

As you know, in Psychodrama, we  don’t ‘advise’, but offer a ‘sharing’.

The fact is that competitiveness is one of my ‘demons’ too. Demons don’t entirely go away, even after addressing them. They have a habit of visiting again, but with an impact of decreasing intensity, as we start recognizing them.

At a recent meeting with peers, this popped up again.  I found myself getting annoyed with the lack of structure, and discussion which was skidding out of (my) area of relevance and interest as per the broadly defined agenda.

I am so used to leading groups that I wished that I could have just cut across the ‘bumph’ and moved on. That’s what I do in my groups. I let things roll for a while, and then step-in and ask: Guys, what is really happening here?

But I was uncomfortable in voicing this in a peer group.

Because there are inevitable comparisons and competition in a peer group- Who occupies how much space? Who is more senior/ better/ more competent even among equals? And this comparison coexists with the anxiety of wanting to be accepted by the group. And this anxiety creates a dilemma: Should I speak up? Or stay silent?

Speaking up means ruffling feathers and risking making myself unlikable.

Staying silent means killing my authenticity- and my interest and enthusiasm dies out.

These realizations make me feel uncomfortable. But ‘Presence’ is being comfortable with the discomfort.

Some things which help me are:

–Know your triggers -Who sets you off? When?

–Notice your body signals: the heart pounding, the breathing becoming shallow. Attend to these with a gentle compassion.

–Challenge yourself by engaging with the situation fully instead of going into withdrawal mode.

–Find something to appreciate in the person you are feeling competitive with. Say it aloud to them. This will help you to say your piece, but in a relational way.

–The brain is getting fired up with these signals. Use it to bring energy in the room. Your (different) point of view can bring value to the topic, and help improve the quality of the outcome.

–Even if afterwards (post meeting) you realize that you were not able to present your ‘wise self’, do it afterwards in a 1:1 conversation.

–And finally, don’t worry about expressing yourself in a ‘perfect way’. If there are ruffled feathers, and you don’t come out in your best, polished way, you’ll deal with it later.

 

A while ago, I completed my fellowship with Sumedhas. A journey of 5 years of a deep personal enquiry into oneself and the human context: Who am I? Where am I? Where am I going? culminated in becoming a facilitator in a process work group.

We celebrated ‘Crossing the Threshold’ —of knowing and feeling into the arrival of my ‘home’ a space of freedom and creative power. It was a beautiful Sumedhian ritual where we were welcomed by senior role holders of Sumedhas. I was reminded of the words from Blessing the Threshold by Jan Robin Richardson:

And now that
you are here
this blessing
can hardly believe
its good fortune
that you have finally arrived, that it can drop everything at last
to fling its arms wide to you, crying welcome
welcome
welcome.

I found a very apt metaphor used by German philosopher Nietzsche – who had a profound belief in the possibilities of human beings— to describe growth in four stages (which I could say is my story): sheep, camel, lion, and finally child.

The first stage is that of sheep: the concern of being part of the herd, governed by the anxiety of being ‘liked’, of fitting in. A quiet and comfortable life, no surprises, a reliance on the shepherd (authority) to show what is good for us… But there is a restlessness: There is something more to life?

As seekers, we push to the next stage— the camel: to discover we are carrying the burden of what others have told us. These “burdens” are other’s world-views imposed on us. Instead of the difficult questioning of our own meaning and existence, we swallow beliefs about: religion, prejudices, gender norms, even the meaning of success, my self-worth. Even while we go about performing duties and responsibilities, we realize our happiness lies in finding approval from others. There is a suffocation from which we want release.

This yearning leads us to the possibility and search of the lion within. Nietzsche writes in this phase we fight the dragon called ‘should and musts’ we have swallowed; “you must be a doctor”, “you must worship this deity”, “you must work hard but be invisible” and more, telling us how to live and who to be. Becoming alive to these starts a fine attunement to the self— We start listening to the inner voice and feelings, and trusting the impulse to take action— rather than a blind belief I what we have been told. We find a relationship with the larger picture – of being part of something bigger than myself. And because the guidance comes from within, there is a power to that clarity and call to action.

Having acquired active control of its life, the lion then overcomes its attachment to self, metamorphosing into a child, who symbolizes spontaneity, creativity, and playfulness. This is how the human spirit matures. “The child is innocence and forgetfulness, a new beginning, a game, a self-propelling wheel, a first motion, a sacred Yes.” We find our own values, to take the risks to know what we want from life and create it.

(sketch from http://endocentric.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-camel-lion-and-child.html)

This allegorical imagery resonated with me…and while I cannot say that I have reached the stage of the lion and the child, I know of its existence and have tasted it sometimes, and it’s a good feeling. And I owe a good part of it to the journey I undertook with Sumedhas. (click to know more)

It also makes me think:

In organizations, what is the culture that we as leaders are creating?

While we talk of wanting people down the line to take ownership and be accountable, are we really comfortable in growing lions— who exercise self-authorization,  confront organizational problems, both within groups and among groups, in contrast to “sweeping problems under the rug”and take initiative in their hands, who take risks and are answerable to the big picture even while finding collaborative solutions to problems.

Or do we prefer camels, who are diligent, obedient and hard workers?

Or better still, sheep who do exactly as told.

In our country in the current conflict, are we capable of seeing through the dogma of the differences between the two religions that is being fed to us for political gain which we are accepting as camels. And find our higher truth based on love of humanity as Lions. Are we capable of differentiating between leadership that is inspiring and uniting instead of pushing and dividing? A leadership that focuses on love and care, concern and compassion, healing and forgiveness, dignity and empathy, service and development of self and others.

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Get in touch with us if you want to create Lions in your organization, who give a mighty battle roar, “I will!” and take initiative in their hands. We are Organization Development change agents who enable growth through coaching and transformative workshops in Emotional Intelligence.

‘Mirror, mirror, who is the most irritating of them all?’

Author saurabhPosted on Categories Communication skills, Managing our emotions, Personal EffectivenessLeave a comment on ‘Mirror, mirror, who is the most irritating of them all?’

To form a successful relation with others, we need to relate with our own negative qualities I had been feeling guilty about not spending enough time with some houseguests who were staying for the weekend. Being in their seventies, the couple was quite happy to chat with my mother who had also come over to […]

To form a successful relation with others, we need to relate with our own negative qualities

I had been feeling guilty about not spending enough time with some houseguests who were staying for the weekend. Being in their seventies, the couple was quite happy to chat with my mother who had also come over to meet them. I found their conversation quite boring, to be honest.

How could I engage with them in a meaningful way? I asked myself. I decided to chat with my uncle about his meditation experiences- which he is increasingly immersed in.

He started by asking: What would you like to know, and what have you gained from meditation so far?

What a good way of starting, I thought admiringly, as he would get an idea of the base-line, ie, where I was coming from.

Anxious to share my experience and show off my (minimal) knowledge, I eagerly explained.

When he started speaking, I resonated with some of his points, and wanted to jump in with my two bits too. But I soon realised that he wasn’t interested in hearing my views at all. So I shut up.

But then I found myself disagreeing over some of the smaller nuances. And I figured he wasn’t interested in that either.

And 15 minutes in the game, I was bored and impatient. I experienced him as pontificating and preaching, as he wagged his finger at me and warned me : ‘The objective of meditation should not be to benefit materially, but to seek the higher realms of spiritually’.

‘Com’on, I know that’, I thought agitatedly. This was so tedious.

I continued listening with a sense of being trapped. And suddenly the penny suddenly dropped.

My discomfort , my resistance was not with him, but with an inner part of me, which had got hooked to something which the man had.

I asked myself: What was happening to me? What was getting triggered inside to cause this reaction? Why had I got hooked?

For if he was lighting a matchstick (an external trigger), what was the combustible material (mixture of charcoal, sulphur, etc) inside me which provided the energy for the reaction?

I needed to deal with the combustible material and eliminate it, so that the next time there is no explosion.

And I realised that it was a part of me which had found resonance with a trait which I perceived in him. There are parts of ourselves which we put it away in dark corners, deny, run away from, and dislike. It is called the shadow part of us. But when we see it in another, it catches our attention just like the glint of sunlight being reflected by a piece of mirror.

Do you remember when we were children we played this game with a piece of mirror? We went to a terrace, and delighted in troubling a hapless victim by reflecting sunrays with the mirror, into their eyes which was sharp and bothersome. Similarly, when we are feeling the most irritated, it is time to reflect within us that we are mirroring the very characteristic which is disturbing us so much. The first clue is to recognize the feeling of irritation, at time revulsion and disgust too.

Carl Jung the psychologist was the first to identify this shadow that exists in each one of us- comprising of our negativity, judgmental nature, and our other secret peculiarities and struggles. Often we do not even allow our shadow to surface into our own consciousness but others may well see it. People who overpoweringly annoy us are usually mirroring our own shadows back to us. But it’s essential to acknowledge that the shadow exists, and to recognize and integrate it within ourselves, otherwise, it will drag us down, block us, and will pop up at times of stress, resulting in unexpected and disruptive behaviours.

So a helpful takeaway?
When feeling passionately riled by someone, take a peek inside yourself, and ask ’what behaviour, trait or action of the other person is getting mirrored to me?’It’s hard and painful to acknowledge one’s own negative qualities, but oh so easy to see it in others.

Coming back to the conversation, I realised I too have a need to display my knowledge…to be known for my erudite ways, and to get approval and appreciation for it. And when I see another person displaying the same traits, my shadow self gets ‘hooked’. The moment I realised this, my impatience diminished, and I found the space in me to appreciate my Uncle’s explanation. And when I expressed my admiration of his knowledge, it wasn’t so much for his pleasure, but to take delight in my own freedom from my own dark shadow.