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Once there was a Senior Executive who fell into the illusion that she was a hen. She took off her clothes, squatted under the table, and ate only grain or morsels. HR, Consultants and Coaches were referred to, but none of them could bring any change in her. Finally, a wise coach was found from Linkedin. HR took her to the Exec.

This Coach removed her clothes and, joining the Executive under the table, began to munch at some grain and squawk like a hen. The Exec looked at her suspiciously and asked, “Who are you and what are you doing here?” The wise Coach responded with the same question. The Exec replied, “I am a hen!” “Oh, really?” said the Coach. “So am I!” After a while they became friends.

When the Coach felt the Exec had grown accustomed to her presence, she signaled for a shirt and put it on. The Exec confronted her belligerently: “Are you crazy? Are you forgetting who you are? Are you trying to be a human?” The Coach replied, “You mustn’t believe that a hen who dresses like a human stops being a hen.” The Exec thought about this for a while, and then put a shirt on, too.

After a while the Coach signaled to have regular food put under the table. “How dare you ? Are you going to eat like them now?” said the Exec angrily (though really, she was scared). The Coach gently said: “Don’t be upset. A hen can eat human food human and still be a good hen.” The Exec considered this for a time, and then began to eat this new food.

Finally, the Coach said, “Do you think a hen needs to sit under the table all the time? She can get up and walk around if she wants to and still be a good hen.” The Exec then followed the Coach up from under the table and began to walk. “Remember,” the Coach said, “You can do anything with humans in their world and yet remain the hen you are.” The Exec was convinced and resumed her life as a person.

In our work and life stresses, we do sometimes loose our true essence, where we get fixated into old patterns of limited thoughts and beliefs. The work of a Wise Coach becomes to help the client find their way back into their gifts and ease.

The experienced coach knows her own compulsions, needs and pitfalls before embarking on a journey to accompany others.
Psychodrama is a powerful way of seeing the self clearly in the mirror, and in bringing change and transformation in others.

If you are a people enabler, Coach, Facilitator, and want to go deeper in working with your clients, and wish to get certified in the Psychodramatic way of Coaching, see here for details.

Story adapted from Adam Blatner’s ‘Foundations of Psychodrama’

Chicken Coat by Lorraine Hearn from Ravelry.com

Recently, I was facilitating a team-building session for young techies. After the workshop, the Team Leader mentioned in passing that she noticed that ‘X’ (who has a quick mind) was making faces to his buddy ‘Y’ about ‘Z’ (because Z’s pace was slower).

Two concerns hit me: One, it was clear the team had to develop a maturity of accepting each other, working past judgements and intolerances which lead to annoyances and ultimately conflicts. Getting everyone on the same page is about both goal alignment and developing a mutual respect.

But the bigger piece was: As the workshop facilitator, how could I have missed this non-verbal exchange?

As a group facilitator, one of our tasks is to be so fully attuned to the emotions, thoughts and actions of members, that one has to almost develop ‘eyes at the back of the head’.

What caused me to miss this cue?

I realized I was so focussed in getting certain outcomes during this moment ; with accompanying concerns: Were the team-members ‘getting’ it? Was the exercise making sense? Was this dragging, and should I stay with it for a while, or move on to the next topic?

While this inner questioning is fine; However, we want to develop the ability to hold both simultaneously: the inner ‘self-management’, and the outer ‘environment-tracking’, to pick up signals of the atmosphere, the whole system.

The facilitator (or any leader whether of a team or organisation) cannot afford to have a ‘shut-down’ of any one of the two parts.

This requires the ability to continuously and simultaneously:
1. Check within:
What am I feeling right now?
Am I getting too attached to a point of view or a desired outcome?
What is the image of myself that I am trying to protect?

2. Scan the environment:
What can I sense and read from the expressions of the people around me?
What are their feelings- both expressed and unexpressed?

A second time this happened with me (!) was when as the leader of a project, I had to choose a co-leader. The announcement was made in a hurry to the group because of some reasons- the earlier co-leader was leaving, and there were some other organisational changes as well. But after the announcement was made, one person expressed anger and unhappiness at this choice. He had seniority himself, and I should have scanned the environment to have taken the rest of the picture into consideration.

What were other members’ feelings, thoughts, anticipations and expectations?

I completely missed taking this into account, in my anxiety that the project should not get affected in the wake of the changes, this perspective was missed.

I have seen leaders who similarly who are so keen in driving a point, in pushing an agenda, that they miss out on reading and sensing on what’s happening in the environment in their team.
If you are tuned in, you can detect if there is resistance, acceptance, resignation, enthusiasm, buy-in, or dragging of feet; and use that information to probe for further engagement. Because if this picture is missed out, the destination may not get reached.

This tuning-in requires a zen-like stillness; the ability to be ‘in the moment’ ; and to ‘empty’ the self of wants, wishes, sometimes even obsessions, and ‘letting go’ for higher wisdom to come in.

*(Photo illustration by Jeff Boyer / Times Union)

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{While this story is about my missing the ‘big-picture’ because of ‘over-focus’, there are  occasions when I’m able to ‘catch’ it at the right time! If you want to learn more about facilitating with a 360 degree view, or with ‘eyes at the ack of the head’ with psychodrama training (more details here), or develop team leaders who have this skill, contact us.}

(Picture shows the protector Vajrasadhu, painted by Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche )

We all agree anger is harmful and toxic. But anger does arrive— the rush of blood in the head; shortness of breath, and the pounding heart. And when it does, what do we do with it? Brushing it under the carpet, swallowing it, denying it… comes at a cost. Unacknowledged or suppressed anger finds its way into displaced anger (directed at the wrong person) or head ache, or stomach acidity, over exerted nervous system leading to stiff arteries, etc. Its like quelling a fart… eventually it will come out in some way or the other ….

In a recent coaching conversation, Ram a Production Head in a medium sized plant said he had been very angry in the previous week, which he felt was wrong, it had ruined his week, and what was the best way to deal with it?

The situation was that to increase storage capacity of finished goods inventory in his factory, pallets were ordered to stack up to create racks. But when the pallets arrived (procured at a cost of half a crore by the Purchase Department), it was found that the specifications did not match what the production team had asked for.

True, the error was small: The pallets that arrived were 10 by 12 units, while the dimensions that had been stipulated were 11 by 12. But this reduction made the rack flimsy, and storage capacity was compromised.

It turned out that the specifications had been changed by a member of the Purchase team (lets say Basu), because the original size was not available.

Ram is quite angry for many reasons: His deliverables are delayed as he is not prepared to accept this compromised solution; there is a loss and wastage of these 50 lac Rupees; why the hell did Basu not consult with him before changing the specs? And most annoyingly, instead of accepting that he goofed up, Basu is justifying this actions (it was urgent and nothing else was available), and is being supported by his boss, the Projects Head.

Even while pushing for the alternate solution (they decide to make sample pallets inhouse); Ram is quite agitated. He has a showdown with the Projects team. His voice is raised and there is an explosion: ‘Dude, in the first place you can’t just change the specs on your own. You are a technical guy, you know it matters a hell of a lot. Mistakes happen. But if you are not even accepting there is an issue with your way of working, then we have a real problem. You are working as a lone resource; where is the teamwork? As end-users, you should have consulted us.’

Ram finds his voice is raised, and he is sweating.

He asks himself: Is it bad to be angry? And expressing it openly, and passionately? He chastises himself for ‘loosing it’. He feels he didn’t do a good job of ‘anger management’.
Feelings like are a technology that nature has built into us to help us face situations. For example, sadness helps us to face loss; anger gives us the energy to protest and make changes when there is wrong; fear gives us the signal that there could be dangers and threats and we need to be cautious.

Feelings are meant to be felt, not pushed away.
But in expressing it, we need to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy articulation.

The problem with anger is that it is often expressed abusively—often where there is a power differential between two people. It goes out of control and includes put-downs and insults. Then it becomes violating. You hold on to anger leading to smoldering resentment, and retaliation.

But in healthy anger, you express your displeasure non-violently. You take responsibility for what you’re feeling, instead of putting it all on the other person. Healthy anger is short, it explodes as a flare. You let go once its expressed—you may not forgive, but you do let go.

In Healthy anger – the other is a participant, while in unhealthy anger, the other is a target.

‘It’s a spiritual practice, to learn to express anger. It’s an act of love, a way of showing respect’ says Dr Dave Richo, psychotherapist and teacher. It is a way of respecting for the other person, otherwise we will judge him and curse him internally and the walls between the two people will grow bigger and thicker. It is also a way of respecting the organizational goals which are impacted because of the delay.

I’ve also seen cases where Managers do not express anger even when there has been loss or targets have been missed. They are patient, polite and perhaps timid. But not expressing it is also a disservice, as the message of ‘this is unacceptable’ does not go through; and what needs to be addressed is not course corrected. Reasons for not expressing are perhaps fear of consequences— What if the person takes offense? What if the person leaves? What if the relationship deteriorates further?

Feeling the anger fully helps in taking stock: How am I being affected? Is there a concrete or tangible loss, or is it my ego which has been hurt? Is there an important message that I must communicate now? Can it wait? If the issue is too small, and the relationship more important, perhaps I can let go this time. Do I have a specific ask?

Our conclusion was that the expression of anger was warranted.

What about you? How do you express your anger? Is your representation of it healthy or abusive or timid?

For many years, my father had an inexplicable wish to meet the Dalai Lama.

Inexplicable because a staunch Arya Samaji, he is far removed from Buddhist philosophy. He has been too engrossed ‘to make something of his life’ to delve into a way of life or viewpoint different from his default understanding. And to me it was a crazy wish, how could we –with no connections to this world—ever dream of having a personal meeting with this spiritual leader who was venerated and feted by the world.

In a public sector career which was unfulfilled, in part because he never did have great relationship skills – he turned his attention to making statues of aluminum and brass by the lost wax method. It brought into bearing his knowledge of foundry process (which was his work in a large steel plant) of melting metal into casts of plaster of paris.

Driven by his need to ‘becoming’ something, he devoted  great time and attention to this hobby, which became an obsession, filling reams of diaries with notations of calculations, results of experiments. As children, we competed with this project for his attention. He continued tinkering with, fine-tuning, polishing these pieces for 40 years—till his early nineties (he is 93 now) , until his health gave in.

Initially he had the idea of selling them, but started gifting them away to family, grand-children and friends. There was one piece – a brass Buddha Head— which  he had kept aside to be presented to the Dalai Lama. For many years he wrote to the office of His Holiness, asking how he could hand it over. I didn’t take much interest (I was a big skeptic of this plan), and ofcourse there was no answer.

I also started noticing how caught up I was in my own life—with the process of ‘becoming’. I was driven with my own goals, need for achievement, to reach here and reach there. Perhaps in the wish of receiving an acknowledgement from the world that I was ‘something’. I was realizing that the very things that annoyed me in my father, were exactly the same in me. He was always restless- even when we visited him, he would be busily attending to paperwork of his shares, or something. It was hard for him to ‘just be’. And I had the same difficulty in ‘being’ in my pursuit of ‘becoming’. After dinner was over at home, I would be restless to get back to my work.

I got in touch with my wish to find joy in gardening, in hanging out with friends which had no objective, to drop everything and go for a walk when the weather was nice, to linger on at dinner table conversations, instead of obsessing about more books to read, more training techniques to devour and more clients to acquire. The yearning was to find a contentment, a sense of well being which was not dependent on what I was ‘becoming’, but in just ‘being’. I had ‘swallowed’ the programming of my father, and have bought into this belief that my self worth depended on how competent and how successful I was. In the course of these insights, I decided to write to the office of His Holiness, explaining my father’s wish. I didn’t really have much hope of having a meeting, but my father seemed to be confident. When I was tidying his cupboard in one of my visits, he said, ‘put this shirt aside, I will wear it to meet the Dalai Lama’.

To my surprise, we got a reply almost immediately. The Dalai Lama was passing through Delhi, and we had an appointment!

As we (my father, my daughter and I) waited in the lobby of the hotel, along with a handful of other invitees, I was struck by the kindness and graciousness with which we were treated by the organizers. There was no hurry. A comfortable seat was found for my father. And yet there was no waiting, as everything was on time.

When His Holiness arrived, he hugged my father as if he knew his angst, and as if He had all the time in the world, listened to my father explain his favourite lost wax process and accepted the figurine from him. I watched the two of them, feeling choked and overwhelmed as my father’s dearest wish came true. I was enveloped in his Holiness’ ‘being’, which emanated love and immense kindness for all- it seemed to flow from a deep unending source – which seemed to say you don’t have to reach anywhere or prove anything, all you have to do is love and accept yourself as you are, and others the way they they are.

It was a day of healing, for my father, and me.

“What are the scenes you want to enact from the Ramayan?” We asked the members in the women’s ward of the Haryana Jail where we have started conducting monthly Psychodrama sessions. The Superintendent of the jail is a wise and humane man, and encourages them to be constructively busy, and after due diligence, welcomed our proposal of holding psychodrama sessions to help women in their journey of self-reflection, self-understanding, self- acceptance and interpersonal co-existence.

This session fell just before Diwali. It was an occasion of sadness for them…to be away from family, children, the world, from celebrations.

When we reached there, we discovered, the day prior, they had staged a play where Manthara the scheming maid of Queen Kaikeyi poisons her mistress’ mind against Prince Ram.

They wanted to stage the play for us too, and we of course agreed.

Going with the flow

We immediately dropped the ‘prepared ideas’ we had come with for conducting the session. We watched the sincere performance, the self-scripted dialogues spoken out clearly (but without much expression), and costumes scrimped out imaginatively with scarce resources.

After the play, improvising and going spontaneously with the flow, we divided the members into 4 groups, and the team-building task was to stage different scenes from the same story- the Ramayan. Until now, there had been only 5 actors in the practiced play- but now even the audience was given a chance of performing on stage!

We encouraged them to create their own versions or even provide a different ending to their scenes. After each play, we explored with the group- how was your experience while doing the play? How did it relate to your personal lives? It was so interesting to see how the chosen theme connected with the members who had selected it.

Connecting the stories with their personal lives

Group 1: showed a Hanuman who was more environmentally conscious, who would not burn Lanka on his way back from visiting Sita; nor uproot trees to get Sanjeevani to save Laxman (but would still accomplish his task). These older women, above 50 years, chose themes of service…in terms of being conscious of the burden on mother earth. They were also Hanuman devotees and spontaneously burst into a bhajan in His praise.

Group 2: showed the scene of the reunion of Ram with Sita and her sons Love-Kush in the forest. While he is pleased to see them, Sita gives him an earful for his absence. Comprising of younger women, in their 20s and 30s; their exploration led to the feeling of the sorrow of not being with their families and children, and it was expressed through the topic of Ram’s reunification with the family. We explored the opportunity the play gave to them to express their grief, and how feeling it would be more releasing than to bury it within.

Group 3: showed Kaikeyi who refused to listen to Manthara, as a result, Ram was crowned King. Ram and his family thereafter went to the forest- but for a picnic! They had a grand time eating mangoes and berries from the trees. All from a rural background, these group members had childhood memories of going to nearby forests and climbing trees. They liked reliving those memories.

Group 4: showed Shabari who had waited for Ram so many years in the forest to welcome him with the sweetest berries which she had personally selected for him. Again older women, who were devotees of Lord Ram, they expressed through a song and dance.

Groups had formed by self-selection, but it clearly showed sociometric choices, ie people who have common elements gravitate together. Sociometry can be an interesting way to look at group dynamics.

These expressions gave these women a chance to explore who they were in a safe way; it is early stages yet, and we are not going into personal histories. The format allows them to show up in a space of no judgments, their representation in whatever form is welcome, and it allows us to build a container for further explorations. As well as providing an opportunity to think beyond cultural conserves, outside the box. We want to eventually move to self-regulation of one’s behavior, for which the first step is to access both thinking and emotions, rather than swinging between extremes of being disconnected with emotions and on the other hand getting lost in the storm and outburst of emotions.

Everyone dances in the end to the devotional folk songs in the end. My co-facilitator joins in the dance (he is the only male in the room) and I admire his ease and flow. The goodbye in the end is full of warmth and hugs; and for a few minutes we forget that it is a different world, with restrictions and boundaries; which came alive when one inmate askes me: ‘Can I have your phone number, to contact you after I am released?’. I look into her eyes, and say quietly, ‘no’. I reflect on the holding both polarities together- of laughter and despair; of hope and loss; of blame and acceptance; of love and drawing boundaries; light and dark. Isn’t that Diwali, as part of life is about?

……………………………….

This experience of working with prisoners to bring a change in their emotional and mental lives is possible because of the open-minded and humanistic approach of both the Superintendent and the Haryana Jail authorities we have met. We use the same approach in our work with organizations to clarify values and review behaviors, practicing new spontaneous and creative attitudes to create a Flourishing Organization, using Psychodrama and Sociodrama.

You are in a typical social scenario: you are with a group of friends or colleagues at dinner for an off site, alumni reunion, etc.

Everyone seems to be having the time of their lives. Selfies, jokes, laughter.
But none of this makes sense to you . You are bored with the trivia, meaningless conversation, name dropping. Tired of the endless stories from the few who hog the limelight. They talk so much that you wonder rudely whether the mosquito will zoom into their always jabbering mouth.
And yet, with all these ‘oh, I’m so superior’ thoughts buzzing inside, there is a sense of loneliness, isolation and sadness at being unable to connect. It results in low self-worth. And you find yourself trying to make eye contact with a group member, hoping for a reassuring smile that says, ‘I still like you, despite your inner discomfort’.
One of the signs of being an outsider is the toggling in the head between the two polarities of ‘arrogance’ and ‘worthlessness’.
And your inner chatter becomes :
• No one likes me.
• I don’t have their social skills.
• Why did I ever come here?
• This isn’t the right group for me. They are not my kind of people. But the question is: who are my kind of people?

And the wretched thing is that though you have been looking forward to this group meeting, now you are fed up and wishing it would end soon.
If any of the above things are true for you, read on to find how you can stay grounded and find your ease and peace.

1. Know your intrinsic nature
Perhaps you feel inadequate because you don’t have exotic stories or amazing experiences to spin, and are afraid your silence will show you up as a ‘nobody’, an ordinary person with no ‘X’ factor or charisma.
Perhaps your intrinsic nature is that of an introvert: to be quiet, to not need to showcase yourself incessantly, and feel drained by excessive chatter.

Make peace with your introversion, and your ordinariness. That everyone cannot sparkle at the same thing. Shine as a listener, who is comfortable and generous at others being in the spotlight. And know that you will recharge your batteries when when you are back in your own cave.

2. Don’t allow your inner critic to dictate your participation and enjoyment
Sometimes you have an anecdote, thought, or idea to share, but you push it away into silence. This might be because:
• You don’t have the energy to fight for air space
• You fear that your contribution is not interesting enough.
Acknowledge these hesitations, BUT…Go ahead and follow that inner creative impulsive. Tell your story. Allow yourself to not be as good as the master story tellers of your group. Swing in your weight and wrestle for that air space, you will feel enlivened for having thrown in a few punches yourself. As your adrenaline starts flowing, you will enjoy the increased flow of oxygen in your system.

3. Accept and enjoy your role as an outsider

Because you have the ability to stand at the periphery (when you want) and move inside for the kill (when you want), you have the huge advantage of watching the play unfold, with people taking different roles.

You can have fun observing who is the Alpha– the leader of the pack. She has the highest influence, because of her initiative, charisma as well as competence. Alphas achieve their status either by aggression and confidence, or through social efforts and building alliances within the group.

The Beta is her strongest supporter, and gets her power from being the number two which the Alpha comes to rely upon. Betas are up for anything their Alpha wants to do.

Gammas are the followers, and show their acceptance and deference towards the Alpha. They don’t have any distinct personality of their own, their presence usually blends in with the rest of the room and they’re just sort of…there. They are non-controversial and usually liked.

The Omegas are different from the rest– often introspective, intelligent and because they find it difficult to conform, they end up being uncomfortable and even disliking themselves for not fitting in. They are in a way their own person, and can even be perceived to be emotionally distant due to their self-possession. Omegas do not care for leadership by others as they are perfectly capable of leading themselves. They are the opposite of the Alpha and can get into a conflict if they take a rebellious position to the Alpha.
There is a good chance that the ‘outsider’is the Omega, while the rest are the ‘insiders’. Being the outcast is never pleasant, but yes you can work your way around it.

4. Watch out for the competition and jealousies

In a group, there is a competition for influence and love. Who is the most beloved? Who has the most influence? Every one wants to know they matter. The reptilian brain goes into high alert as perceived threat levels rise. What if I am left behind? And then the fear kicks in, and we start telling ourselves stories of ‘I am not liked, etc’.

This fear can lead to you becoming a rebel without a cause: ‘Why was I not consulted? Why are we taking this call and not that?’ And if upon self-reflection you find you have put your foot in the mouth and have said something you shouldn’t have, maybe inadvertently hurt someone, go back and apologize.

5. Engage with your thoughts without getting entangled
There are certain feelings getting generated (fear, anxiety, etc), and the first thing to do is accept it completely and welcome it, notice where it is sitting in the body, instead of resisting it thinking ‘it’s weak/bad/ wrong to feel these feelings’. The feelings are simply a form of energy. Their acceptance will reduce their charge, and create space to check out the thoughts, knowing they are not necessarily true. Thoughts are a production of the MIND (Mostly Inaccurate Neuro Drama), and it helps to witness the internal drama as well as the external drama with detachment. A good rule is accept feelings and question thoughts.

6. Nothing lasts for ever
When you are in a state of detached observer, it becomes easier to notice group norms, and accede to them . You can tell yourself, this group engagement is only for the next 3 hours /48 hours/ whatever. The roles of Alpha, Beta , Gamma and Delta also change in different contexts. Even in the same group, they can change over time if you are in a space of self-reflection and growth.

7. Ask yourself: What do I really want?
As an outsider, there is a temptation to react to what is happening. Instead set your own direction by asking: What do I really want? What do I really enjoy doing? How can I explore these phenomenon more? What steps can I take to start moving my life in the direction I want?
These kind of questions will get you out of feeling negative about yourself and will give your mind a way to think of some positive action you could take.

8. Every thing is not about you
In our fear, we tend to become narcissistic, overly concerned about: how we are being perceived, whether our needs are being taken care of, and whether we are being given enough importance. Instead if we turn our attention on ‘What can I do to show my concern for others? How can I make another feel comfortable or wanted?’ Doing things for other’s happiness releases endorphins which can be very pleasurable.

In the end, working with a group is about working with certain unknown, unpredictable factors. And as Arnold Mindell said: ‘To work with the unknown, some combination of respect, ruthlessness, courage and cuddling is necessary’.

How do I write with such knowingness about the outsider? Yes, you guessed right, I have been one for the longest time, until I learnt that fear and anger relax their hold on me when I look beyond the pain of the moment and say ‘there is value in this.’
Have you ever been in this position? How do you feel about it?
If you would like to improve team working in your organization, or the art of being a team member, drop me a note.

I visited an Acupuncture clinic recently, and after the 3rd visit (I was advised a minimum of 12 sessions), I noticed a redness on my left calf in the evening- and a soreness. The following day, it had swollen up and was painful. I was to travel for 3-4 days, and didn’t think it was serious, but messaged my doctor with a picture of the affected spot. She prescribed a mild skin ointment, but her focus was on making the point that it was a hair follicle infection, and nothing to do with the acupuncture treatment.

In the next few days, the infection and pain grew worse, I messaged the doctor, but there was no reply. I was physically unwell, unable to attend to my work, and worried with what I had read upon googling about it. That night, I couldn’t shake off the feeling of anger, being let down, of being unsupported. (They are a high-end, expensive clinic). Round and round the angry and worried thoughts went in my head. There was also a self-judgment of having handled the whole episode poorly, of allowing them to make a fool of me.

There are oftentimes that we are affected by ‘sticky thoughts’. Annoyance at something someone has done or said (or not done/ said); at your own action or inaction; etc. It not only drains energy, our natural wisdom is also hijacked as a consequence.
Here is a practice that helps:
1. Contemplation
– Using your breath as an anchor, notice your thoughts and feelings. Stay with your breath, noticing the cool in-breath, and the warm out-breath.

– The goal is not to prevent yourself from having thoughts, feelings and sensations, but to notice the disruptions, and gently turn your attention back to the breath.

– You will notice the difference between thinking ‘I am such a fool’ and observing the thought ‘I am such a fool’.

2. Separate out the different ‘voices’.
In my case it were 3 different voices:

3. Look for the opposite voices
The above are different parts of Rashmi, but they are not the ONLY parts of Rashmi. It’s true they get triggered because of old patterns, its true that they have a very loud presence, almost drowning out other voices. But other resources within do exist. So what are the other voices, even though they are not very active right now?
I ask the other parts of Rashmi to speak: the Loving Rashmi, the Calm Rashmi, the Wise Rashmi.

The acceptance and allowance of the uncomfortable voices in the first place makes place for other voices to emerge and be heard, leading to wiser choices and feeling of being taken care of.
(Rashmi Datt is a certified coach, and helps people listen to their voices and inner wisdom)

One of the traits I notice in myself is that I am quick to find faults in others, and slow to recognize their gifts and strengths. I wonder if this is a defensive mechanism for me to feel safe- cocooned in the false belief that I am better than others. It’s exhilarating to think I’m on top of the heap.

And at times when I’m confronted with the stark, clear, irrefutable data that someone around me is smarter, capable, more competent, I feel very small. It’s painful and even threatening.
Competition and comparisons are deeply coded into my DNA, and it requires effort to watch it without getting caught up in it. But in order to relate meaningfully with people around me, I want to be in a space of balance- where beyond the shortcomings, I can deeply appreciate their beauty and grace, otherwise I’m shutting off doors of connections.

From my conversations with leaders, I find it’s not very different for them. Much of humanity is brought up on a diet of receiving messages of ‘not good enough’, and we get embroiled in our own quest to find self-worth. We feel disappointment at low performance; overwhelmed at the enormity of objectives; maybe even defeated with a setback; angry with a team; self-doubt at whether I’m good enough, and our own craving for appreciation. The leader then feels pressured and tends to focus on critical thinking – how to make improvements in the status quo, improve quality, and drive for excellence.

But an emotionally intelligent leader swims past these emotions to find inner resources to provide a positive climate and make employees feel respected, valued and significant. Bringing in this energy charges the environment, creates a heart connection where people contribute willingly and enthusiastically. Needless to say, if the feelings are not genuine and honest, it rings false, and falls flat on the face.

Demonstrating this positive regard can be done by small gestures like :
1. Acknowledging team member’s feelings: Notice energy levels around you- and relate it to the expressions you are seeing- whether of agreement, excitement or conversely – discomfort, confusion. Ask them: ‘I see from your expression you are not fully convinced. Tell me your concerns’.
When people’s feelings are not acknowledged, lingering feelings clutter effective action.
But by validating emotions, you are helping them feel understood, so that they can move forward unhindered.

2. Show that you care: A good leader knows when to push: ‘I hear your concerns about the stretch targets, but I believe you have the potential. You know the market like no one else.’ And alternatively to look at the worried face of an employee and say: ‘I heard your mother was hospitalized today. What are you doing here at work? Take 2 days off and be with her.’

3. Tuning into the employees: It could be a good practice for the leader to walk through the department or area, and stop and ask employees how its going. Listen with an open mind, seeking to understand the speaker’s message, asking clarifying questions.
After joining Ford in 2006 as CEO of Ford, Alan Mulally stopped going to the executive dining room on the top floor of Ford’s world headquarters and ate in the cafeteria. He would pick a table with an empty chair, ask if he could sit down and then start asking the surprised engineers, sales reps or accountants how they thought Ford was doing and what it could do better.

4. Appreciate, praise, recognize: When the CEO of a mid-sized pharma company in western India travels to another location, he chats with the location head before entering the office, and asks: ‘Tell me the names of 3 people in the last few months who have done something special or went out of their way to achieve a work goal, and describe what they did’ And when the leader walks into the office premises, he greets everyone, and stops by these 3 tables and says: I really appreciate what you did last week with …..’

5. Connect them to the big picture: When you take the trouble of summarizing the year’s ‘hits and misses’ and share it with the employees in a town hall in the simplest language possible, and also convey your appreciation for their hard work so far, and what needs to do done further.you are making people feel significant and conveying their contributions are important.

6. Take risks on people: An effective leader notices talent and says why don’t we give this person an opportunity to grow. He takes risks on unproven material but keeps a watchful eye to applaud successes and give feedback and another chance in case of failure. This emotional investment develops people and wins their loyalty.
When an engineer at Ford sent a mail to Mullaly, complaining that Ford’s hood designs were too complex, the CEO asked him to come up to his office with the drawings. They studied them together and, on the spot, Mulally made the guy the head of new task force to address the problem.

7. Ask for feedback: As a leader it’s important to assess the messages you send to employees. Sometimes the best way to know what they are thinking is to ask. If you feel comfortable, tell them it will help you become a better leader. And when you genuinely listen, it will help improve relationships and bonds with employees.
Ask questions such as:
Is there something I can do to help you become more effective?
Is there something I can stop doing which will make you feel better?

Every person has different needs, so in essence the leader has to develop a radar to sense feelings and perspectives of others. Tuning in to people comes naturally to some , while for others it may have to be a learned skill. But it does require you to be in a state of calmness and curiosity, to watch your own emotions like a hawk. And know yourself so well that you can identify your triggers, and sense fear or anger arriving. And when they arrive, feel them fully without running away from them. Observing your feelings, accepting the ‘as is’ creates its own freedom. For if you don’t operate from a place of ‘knowingness’, your own feelings will create further feelings. E.g. disgust at your annoyance, disturbance at your anxiety and underperformance.

And as you maintain your stance as an observer, you will be able to watch all of these as though watching a movie. Without attaching yourself to any of the emotions. Knowing that emotions are like guests- they will come and go, but the real self will remain unaffected- just like the screen is blank even while the movie is being screened on it.

We met these family friends after a long time. The wife taught the nursery class in a school.

As we chit-chatted, I was ‘Darn, I don’t have much in common with her. What will we talk about?’ The accompanying feeling was that of superiority-which is a bit embarrassing for me now to admit. For after all, what does it take to manage a bunch of 5-year olds? Other than the patience, of course, I thought snootily.

As the conversation continued somewhat desultorily, I asked rather curiously (and patronizingly): ‘What are the challenges you face at work? What keeps you awake at night?’ ‘There was a child in my class who hadn’t settled down even after 6 months. It was almost as if she had some sort of phobia.’ The nursery school teacher (NST) said. ‘After she got used to me, she would cling to me and not leave me out of sight. This was so worrying, that I was chanting and praying for her. I hope the poor thing works through this patch.’

Her gentle eyes were full of concern. Hmm yes, being an NST requires a big heart. I grudgingly acknowledged to myself. ‘

And then I had an assistant who was more of a burden than a helper. After 30 years of doing the same job, she had become impatient with the kids. I saw her shouting at my bacchas, even raising her hand to frighten them. I was told in the staff room she is known even to pinch kids. If I gave her a job, she did it very crabbily. And as she’s such an old employee, management would not have taken kindly to eject her out of the system’.

‘Oh, and how did you deal with that?’ I leaned forward with excitement. This was a case study right out ‘People Management Skills’.

‘I had many firm conversations with her. I said to her, ‘Evelyn, I will not stand for your raising your hand on my children. Their well being is of the utmost importance to me. Our only way of dealing with them is going to be with love.’

And I also said to her, ‘Evelyn, I don’t want to see a grumpy face in the morning. I would like to see a smiling face and interact pleasantly with you. The children also need to see a cheerful face during the day.’

‘And after a while, she and I seemed to understand each other. I was told in the staff room that the other teachers had just given up on her, and have never been able to get any productive work out of her’.

I was in awe of this ‘Nursery School Teacher’. I would probably not have managed ‘Evelyn’ so evenly, smoothly, calmly, acceptingly and graciously. Many managers I know wouldn’t have had this calm emotional tonality in tackling the situation.

The mind can be exasperating in the silly games it plays- of judging, comparing, feeling better than or less than others. It leads one through deceptive alleys. And even while it chatters, there is a restlessness- and self-dislike for the impatient, smug and priggish position it takes. Which is an attempt to compensate the insecurity from which springs the question “Am I enough?” It jumps around like the proverbial monkey. One way to NOT get into this self-beating (Why can’t I just be accepting of people? Why can’t I be in the present?) is to just observe the mind’s gymnastics. Like stepping into the balcony and watching and reporting on an interesting tamasha.

Yesterday was the birthday of a person I am in awe of. She is a colleague, one can say, as she is in the same profession; but someone who I regard as being ‘ahead of’ me~ in terms of capability and perhaps in knowing herself. I met her at a retreat where she was my teacher.

So in the morning yesterday, I thought to myself, ‘Let me call and wish her’. But by mid-day the resolve flagged, perhaps I could resort to the much convenient but diluted version of sending her a greeting on Facebook. For there was slight anxiety- What shall I say? After saying hello? What will she think? I didn’t know her THAT well. And, why did I want to call her? To express my affection and regard.

Incidentally, the dictionary meaning of to be in awe of is to have mixed feelings of reverence, wonder, and fear. So yes, the fear is also there as I have seen her becoming impatient with someone who gets stuck, doesn’t see reason, or is not willing to move on.

So there was this tussle between a spontaneous expression and on the other hand fears of ‘appropriateness’ and being ‘judged’. If one looks at it with logic, it’s a no brainer -there wasn’t that much to lose in making the call. And, it was I who was judging myself.

I also thought about how I (and probably many others) put people in hierarchies. Of less than/ more than: competence; wealth; social status; organizational designations; being well read; articulate; smartness; being well informed; achievements; attractiveness; how well the kids are doing; well dressed (yieeks, how much more superficial can one get!) etc.

Instead of going through life experiences getting caught with reactivity or inadequacy, can we just be present – and observe the phenomenon of the mind making the comparisons. And how gullible we are in believing whatever the mind concludes. Because that what we are comparing with is a part of the other person which is visible to us from the outside. We don’t know what is their inside story. As Steve Furtick explains, “The reason we struggle with insecurity is that we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”

The mind likes to make sense of the world by putting things in slots and categories, and then evaluate where the self fits in it. It’s almost a default process to check standards and even raise them. Instead of trying to combat this natural (compulsive?) thinking pattern, what I discovered is -use the comparisons- but with your own past self. Am I a better person yesterday than I am today?

And the truth is that we are all on our own journey of finding the statue inside the block of stone. (Remember Michelangelo said, “Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it.”) Instead of worrying about others’ blocks of stone, lets honour our statue within with love and compassion. By just BEING who we are. Without apology or arrogance. Without guilt and shame. In the celebration of our journey of the slowly transforming statue inside.

And yes, I did call her and had a lovely exchange. And I’m totally in awe of myself!

Centering Yourself, and just being Impeccably Polite

There is a wonderful story about Mandela, which shows how even in circumstances where even though seemingly powerless- he still put his opponent on the defensive. All he did was to be so scrupulously polite, that there was no option but to reciprocate with politeness.
The prisoners in Robben Island made a representation to the prison authorities about their conditions of treatment. There was still no conclusion, when one morning, Mandela heard that in the main section, the prisoners had gone on hunger strike. The prisoners who delivered his breakfast whispered it to him.
Mandela and his group didn’t know why, but as their comrades were on hunger strike so they went on a hunger strike.
The authorities immediately reacted- with punitive measure- the captives were shifted, and their books removed. The incensed commanding officer, Major Kellerman, came shouting: ‘Where’s Mandela?’
Reaching Mandela’s cell, he demanded: ‘Why are you on hunger strike?’
Mandela: ‘Colonel, can you and I sit down and discuss this?’
Kellerman stormed: ‘Mandela, I want to know now why you are on hunger strike when the discussions about conditions of your treatment are still going on.’
Mandela repeated: ‘Colonel, can we sit down calmly and discuss?’
The Colonel said: ‘No! No calmly! Tell me now!’
It would have been tempting to get into the reasons- but the outcome would still be an unpleasant argument which would have reached nowhere. So Mandela just recited the same line like a gramophone record with the needle stuck until the Colonel gave up and stomped off.
Mandela’s friends in prison who were watching had a good laugh afterward.

Define your own rules of the game (what is acceptable what is not)

Recently I was with a client who took a lot of my time. They were pleasant enough, but got very easily distracted into side conversations which were nothing to do with the topic or problem at hand. It was a family business, and the meetings were attended by two cousins and an older woman who was their HR head. The three of them had an amiable relationship, and in the middle of ‘why attrition was high’, or ‘why sales were down in Darbangha’, they would break off inbetween to discuss politics in Bihar, or the food of Bihar, or the Regional Manager of Bihar. I was exasperated at this waste of time, and in my irritation, couldn’t find a tactful way to bring the conversation back to track. Truth to tell, in the beginning, I wanted to ingratiate myself with them, and also joined in the conversations.

Either this, or one or other of them would be late in arriving for the meeting, and we would hang around waiting for his or her arrival.

It took me 3-4 meetings to figure out this pattern. And because I couldn’t pin down when the discussions would end, I wasn’t able to fix my next meeting.

I was inspired by this story of Nelson Mandela’s imprisonment in Robben Island, told by fellow prisoner Mac Maharaj. (The Telegraph: Dec 6, 2013: Mac Maharaj on life on Robben Island with Nelson Mandela).
Mandela spend 27 years in Robben Island, a former leper colony off Cape Town, breaking rocks, mining in a lime quarry, sleeping on mats on icy floors, treated to the severe and petty indignities suffered by blacks under a racist prison system. And yet, he always maintained his composure and dignity.
One day, the prisoners were allowed to walk to the quarry instead of being driven in trucks. Walking in rows of four in a column, the warders in front, behind and on each side, prodded ‘run, run’! The dust flew about them as the prisoners obeyed.
Mandela whispered a message: ‘Slow down, guys’. The captives’ hearts thudded with fear as they ran. How could they slow down? Their frightened muscles moved as though with a will of their own.

Mandela crept through the rows until he was in the front and there, and started setting the pace.
Everything was slowing down. The guards were shouting, but they could do nothing as there was no misbehavior from the prisoners-they had not sworn or talked back. And by the sheer process of walking slowly, suddenly the fear that was getting their muscles to move involuntarily had been conquered.
‘It was the slowest walk to the quarry but my overwhelming recollection is of the dignity that went with that walk. It won a round for us without bending to the rules they set. We had made the rules. That gives you a tremendous sense of moral superiority’ wrote Maharaj, Mandela’s fellow prisoner.

So what would be ‘my’ rules? It was actually very simple. All I needed to do was to set my ‘conditions’ in a reasonable and graceful way. When the meeting was being fixed, I needed to ask, how long do you think this will take? An hour? I’ll be there from 11 to 12 noon. And I needed to come on time and leave on time.

Why had I not done it before? For one, I needed to see this problem was occuring repeatedly. Then there are fears-of not wanting to displease the client, of appearing inflexible. But the end result is ending up feeling undignified, and that’s a choice which you have to exercise-if you are willing to live with it.
What are the situations you end up feeling your dignity has been eroded? The boss who keeps you waiting while he attends phone calls? The boss who looks at the computer while talking to you? The colleague who doesn’t reply to your emails? The boss who took a decision and didn’t keep you informed?