(Picture shows the protector Vajrasadhu, painted by Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche )
We all agree anger is harmful and toxic. But anger does arrive— the rush of blood in the head; shortness of breath, and the pounding heart. And when it does, what do we do with it? Brushing it under the carpet, swallowing it, denying it… comes at a cost. Unacknowledged or suppressed anger finds its way into displaced anger (directed at the wrong person) or head ache, or stomach acidity, over exerted nervous system leading to stiff arteries, etc. Its like quelling a fart… eventually it will come out in some way or the other ….
In a recent coaching conversation, Ram a Production Head in a medium sized plant said he had been very angry in the previous week, which he felt was wrong, it had ruined his week, and what was the best way to deal with it?
The situation was that to increase storage capacity of finished goods inventory in his factory, pallets were ordered to stack up to create racks. But when the pallets arrived (procured at a cost of half a crore by the Purchase Department), it was found that the specifications did not match what the production team had asked for.
True, the error was small: The pallets that arrived were 10 by 12 units, while the dimensions that had been stipulated were 11 by 12. But this reduction made the rack flimsy, and storage capacity was compromised.
It turned out that the specifications had been changed by a member of the Purchase team (lets say Basu), because the original size was not available.
Ram is quite angry for many reasons: His deliverables are delayed as he is not prepared to accept this compromised solution; there is a loss and wastage of these 50 lac Rupees; why the hell did Basu not consult with him before changing the specs? And most annoyingly, instead of accepting that he goofed up, Basu is justifying this actions (it was urgent and nothing else was available), and is being supported by his boss, the Projects Head.
Even while pushing for the alternate solution (they decide to make sample pallets inhouse); Ram is quite agitated. He has a showdown with the Projects team. His voice is raised and there is an explosion: ‘Dude, in the first place you can’t just change the specs on your own. You are a technical guy, you know it matters a hell of a lot. Mistakes happen. But if you are not even accepting there is an issue with your way of working, then we have a real problem. You are working as a lone resource; where is the teamwork? As end-users, you should have consulted us.’
Ram finds his voice is raised, and he is sweating.
He asks himself: Is it bad to be angry? And expressing it openly, and passionately? He chastises himself for ‘loosing it’. He feels he didn’t do a good job of ‘anger management’.
Feelings like are a technology that nature has built into us to help us face situations. For example, sadness helps us to face loss; anger gives us the energy to protest and make changes when there is wrong; fear gives us the signal that there could be dangers and threats and we need to be cautious.
Feelings are meant to be felt, not pushed away.
But in expressing it, we need to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy articulation.
The problem with anger is that it is often expressed abusively—often where there is a power differential between two people. It goes out of control and includes put-downs and insults. Then it becomes violating. You hold on to anger leading to smoldering resentment, and retaliation.
But in healthy anger, you express your displeasure non-violently. You take responsibility for what you’re feeling, instead of putting it all on the other person. Healthy anger is short, it explodes as a flare. You let go once its expressed—you may not forgive, but you do let go.
In Healthy anger – the other is a participant, while in unhealthy anger, the other is a target.
‘It’s a spiritual practice, to learn to express anger. It’s an act of love, a way of showing respect’ says Dr Dave Richo, psychotherapist and teacher. It is a way of respecting for the other person, otherwise we will judge him and curse him internally and the walls between the two people will grow bigger and thicker. It is also a way of respecting the organizational goals which are impacted because of the delay.
I’ve also seen cases where Managers do not express anger even when there has been loss or targets have been missed. They are patient, polite and perhaps timid. But not expressing it is also a disservice, as the message of ‘this is unacceptable’ does not go through; and what needs to be addressed is not course corrected. Reasons for not expressing are perhaps fear of consequences— What if the person takes offense? What if the person leaves? What if the relationship deteriorates further?
Feeling the anger fully helps in taking stock: How am I being affected? Is there a concrete or tangible loss, or is it my ego which has been hurt? Is there an important message that I must communicate now? Can it wait? If the issue is too small, and the relationship more important, perhaps I can let go this time. Do I have a specific ask?
Our conclusion was that the expression of anger was warranted.
What about you? How do you express your anger? Is your representation of it healthy or abusive or timid?