Rohan aspired to promotion at Senior Director level.
His commitment to excellence, growth and clarity about contribution to the company’s bottom line was evident. In the last couple of years, he had work long and hard, and developed a unique analytical product to build the block chain system in the company.
And yet, when there was an opportunity for promotion to Senior Director, he was not selected. He feels disappointed, betrayed and bitter.
His manager had told him: ‘Rohan, this is a no-brainer. You are the right guy for this, and you’ll make it’. Then there was an organizational change, and the manager relocated.
He went over that ugly but polite conversation several times in his head.
Over an 8am zoom call, his new manager emotionlessly told him: ‘We have decided to hire an external person for the position of Senior Director’.
Rohan: I’m surprised to hear this. When is the person joining?
New Boss: In a month’s time. Your role in onboarding her will be invaluable.
Rohan: Yes, of course I will support her.
New Boss: Of course we are committed to your growth, and there will be opportunities.
Rohan: Yes, thank you.
Rohan feels a heaviness in his head, a ringing in his ears, his breathing becomes shallow, and for some time his spirit isn’t able to move. He feels a mixture of disbelief, despair, helplessness.
Rohan is already making plans to quit in the next 12 months, and in the meanwhile starting a side-hustle. He has disapproved of Presenteeism: Physical presence and psychological absence combined; and now its happening to him.
This trigger of unexpected disappointment has sent Rohan to a ‘Freeze’ and ‘Flight’ mode.
What is needed is for him to ‘Stay and Play’.
Ask for a meeting afterwards with the key stakeholder.
‘Why was I not considered for the promotion? I consider my self worthy of the opportunity because..
x…
y…
z…
(going prepared with a list of tangible achievements/ qualities)
While I am both disappointed and angry, I am prepared to consider a different point of view.
You may had had your reasons.
I am curious to discover what they could be; and this feedback could be useful to my growth. Perhaps I have some blind spots I will discover.’
But this action requires Self-Awareness and the ability to notice- What are my feelings? What are my response patterns of ‘flight’ or ‘fight’ in this situation?
One emotion that Rohan dare not admit to himself is anger. Anger has unfortunately acquired a bad rep, and we end up drowning in despair, but we are numb to our own anger. Fully feeling anger will give rise to aggression; and get him out of ‘victim’ (‘poor-me’ position).
Charles Darwin would have agreed. Even animals need emotions. Fear causes them to avoid predators; Anger triggers aggression that helps them protect their young, their mates, their food, and anything else necessary for the species survival. From Anger there is the possibility of the birth of Courage.
In not acknowledging his emotions fully— especially of anger, Rohan lost the opportunity to express his own point of view. He squandered his autonomy. Of taking action to impact the outcome.
The boss is left thinking: The situation is well handled. He has accepted it fine, and he’s ok to report to the new person we are bringing in.’
“The way to overcome something is not to avoid it but to move into it.”– Arnie Kozak
(I meet many Rohans in my work as a Leadership and Executive Presence Coach. They eventually learn to seize Life and their Autonomy, and find freedom and power.
He is 93 years old and insists on living by himself. He is becoming more stubborn and difficult by the day.
In my weekly visits, I sometimes try to resolve an issue, such as by finding a new part-time housekeeper, because he finds fault with them, and they leave. Sometimes angry words are exchanged between him and me. He doesn’t like me telling him what’s best for him, and I’m exasperated because if he were to listen to reason (me), life would be much simpler.
When I sit in the car during the half-hour drive back home, I feel sad, helpless, even furious that he doesn’t let me help him. And ashamed that I’m not more patient with him. And somewhere buried under all this is a deep love for him.
I also know that the intensity of my emotional reaction is not ‘rational’. If an onlooker (like my husband) were to deal with the situation, he would not be so triggered. I get hooked because there is a history of (in my eyes) excessive control he exercised on me as a child and teenager.
Our driver Maru Ram, who has been with us for the last 21 years is a silent witness to the tears which roll down my cheeks. And to the shouting match in the house earlier. He offers no comment. He quietly absorbs the flailing energy. I know that he never discusses or gossips about family matters. In fact, Maru is a deeply spiritual person with weekly fasts in prayer to his family god, Hanuman.
His non-judgmental presence makes me feel anchored. It helps me find my own inner witness or ‘see-er’.
The above is an example of the nature of emotions, and their impact on our lives. They are strong energies, and they can hijack our rational thinking. And if unbridled, they have the potential to throw our actions off-course.
There are several misleading notions about emotions that exist today. As a coach, I hear people say, ‘I am too emotional. I want to control my emotions’, and on the other extreme I see people who are not in touch with their emotions. They talk, explain, rationalize, blame, describe at great length, but they avoid feeling, because it entails pain.
These notions come from commonly held judgements, which tell us that Anger, Fear, Shame, Sadness are ‘negative’ feelings, while Joy, Love, and Courage are ‘positive’ feelings. The belief says that negative emotions are inherently bad or maladaptive for our psychological well-being, and positive emotions are inherently good or adaptive. This is so decreed based on whether an emotion obstructs or enables a person’s ability to pursue goals, attain resources, and function effectively within society. Negative feelings should be controlled, we are told: overcome, avoided, transformed or healed; and positive emotions maximized.
Emotions as understood from the Natya Shastra and Yoga Sutras
However, as explained by our ancient Indian texts, emotions are not good or bad. They are just bundles of energy which move through the body. This is generally felt as sensations of contraction such as tension, or expansion such as calm. The Latin derivative for the word emotion, emotere, literally means energy in motion.
A healthy person experiences all emotions FULLY, but is able to meet the next situation without any residue.
According to Natya Shastra, said to be written by Bharatmuni a few thousand years back, there are nine Rasas (juice or essence). The Navrasas are Anger (Raudram), Fear (Bhayanakam), Sadness or Compassion (Karuna), Disgust (Bhibhatsam), Joy (Hasyam), Courage (Veeryam), Curiosity (Adbhutam), Love (Shringar), and Calm (Shantam). Love has been called as the Rasa-Raja, or the King of Emotions. The 9th rasa — Shantam or calm — is the absence of emotions from which you can witness yourself, as an observer.
The hundreds of emotions that we experience are combinations of these primary rasas. For example, jealousy is a combination of fear and anger. Depression is a combination of sadness, fear, anger, and disgust, and so on.
Emotional Intelligence (EQ or EI) is a term created by two researchers – Peter Salavoy and John Mayer – and popularized by Dan Goleman in his 1996 book of the same name.
EQ can be defined as the ability to recognize your emotions and that of others, and make healthy choices of action and behaviour.
For self-awareness, one useful question to ask the self several times during the day is: How am I feeling right now? The navrasas is an easy framework to refer to in this self reflection. There is an actual term for those who have difficulty in indentifying and naming their feelings- alexithymia.
How to deal with emotions
When emotions arise, we usually either anaesthetise ourselves (by drinking, eating, shopping, binge-watching Netflix, etc), or are swept away in its force by wallowing in it (shouting, losing one’s temper, crying without restraint), or pickle ourselves in it by dwelling in related thoughts which go round and round the head.
Why do we do this? As young children, when natural impulses were expressed, we experienced reprimands, rejection, ridicule, and repression from well intentioned or ignorant caregivers and adults around us. The impressions were absorbed into our sensitive and not yet matured nervous systems which did not have the capacity to regulate the intensity of the hurt and anger. Out of the need to escape from the disorienting states of vulnerability and pain, we developed strategies of freeze, fight, fawn or fight.
What if we could instead engage with the emotion by ‘doing nothing’, but just watching and following with curiosity the sensations arising? By simply being aware of sensations such as heated skin, shortness of breath, tight jaw and face muscles, the gripping intestines. And what if into this non-evaluative curiosity, we brought in a loving embrace, a warm holding, a relentless self-care?
This form of ‘doing nothing’ and simply observing and allowing these feelings to flow is key to self care. It means we are not fixing or changing, or allowing their presence to decide our self worth, or dwelling on the story of ‘why’ or finding someone to blame. It means a commitment to acknowledge the inner parts of us which erupt because they have been shamed, banished and discarded in the past.
As J. Krishnamurthy said, ‘The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence’. This observation is kind and neutral, unlike the judgement that usually accompanies our emotions. When we feel angry or jealous or fearful, there is shame accompanying the emotions, as a voice inside says, ‘you are a bad person for feeling so, it’s pathetic that you can’t control yourself’.
Photo credit: Dank Memes
When we enter the world of emotions, its not easy at first, as staying with unpleasant emotions can be painful.
However, when we simply allow ourselves to feel the emotions in a presence of love and empathy, we encode a new circuitry of slowly finding back our inner emotional regulator – and the painful intensity starts diminishing as we start to self modulate our reactions to the external world. Then we find ourselves on our way back to our ‘home’- to the majestic vastness of who we are in essence- at ease, loving and flowing.
Emotions will always come, whether it is when I visit my father and have a disagreement with him, or you clash with a colleague who is throwing an axe in your wheel, or a boss who doesn’t listen because he thinks he knows better. But if we connect with our inner ‘observer’ who witnesses without judgement, the emotion or the energy in motion will move on. And then you access your inner ‘driver’ you will have the resources and the drive to meet the next situation or act upon your goals to reach the next step.
(This article, written by the author, originally appeared in ‘Kaustubham’, Human Resource Management and Labour Relations Journal of TISS, 2019)
